8/27/10
7/27/10
Cynic 2:25 AM
For the longest time, I've always considered myself a cynic, and I don't think I ever felt that it was wrong to be. It seemed to me that being cynical was merely being realistic about how everything and everyone is corrupted and sinful. Even our best is never good enough.
The strangest thing for me has been that as I'm trying to be more honest, the more I find myself expressing cynicism, usually about people's motives. I can assume the worst, and that's normal for me. Does being cynical really have a place in the heart of someone who follows Jesus Christ? I guess it doesn't.
It's easy to tell a million people on the internet how I feel, but it's difficult business when it's between people. In the last year or two, I feel like the effects of being cynical about people is taking a toll on how I interact with everyone, even my closest friends. I can say something accusatory without even trying to be. I keep feeling like if I am going to be completely honest, all you will hear is how I doubt the good in anyone. It's true right?
I'm breaking some silence only because I feel as if this is something that I wish wasn't such a deep and prevailing part of me, and I hope that whoever is reading won't end up falling into it either. I always hated the 'be a better you' and 'you are great' crap from some preachers, because I just knew it wasn't true. But in short, the more God is showing me about sanctification and how He works in his people- the less room there is for my brand of 'realism'.
To see things as they truly are; I see that everything is corrupt, and ultimately, in everything in and about myself. Any good I do or say is stained immeasurably with sin, and the older I get, the more I see that, the deeper I realize it is. My sin is increasingly obvious and I know now (and will know even more later) that I can do nothing at all. No amount of effort or self-confidence boosting can change that reality, can change the gravity of it.
It returns me to Jesus... who really reminds and represents the apex of human depravity. His life and execution proves that people do not in fact, have an ounce of goodness in themselves. That people would curse and hate God himself when he was with them, while he extended love and acceptance for them. For us. Jesus makes it resolutely clear that man does not have a righteous bone in his body.
That's the tension though. Jesus being our sacrifice is really the 'wisdom of God' himself. The whole plan exposes the reality that people are indeed corrupt to no end, but if it doesn't leave you in awe of the craziness of God's love, then you have missed the point. I'm saying that because I think I have missed the point.
I'm not saying that the 'feel-good' brand of preaching is correct, in fact I remain intensely against it, because it is a false, self-worshipping, therapeutic security. I am saying that cynicism can't take up any space when we are focused on Jesus, though. Am I remaining at the death of Christ, and forgetting that he conquered not just his physical execution, but the complete depravity and sinfulness of everyone? He is above it and is stronger than that. The realization stands true, but the truth of Jesus conquering that bottomless sin should be producing a different kind of expression from me. Joy? Definitely not cynicism. I keep finding myself stuck at that place, in anger and frustration that everyone along with myself would be so evil. But Jesus resurrecting…
What all apostles write about is the kindness and love shown to everyone. Grace is paramount because Christ demonstrated it fully. Commands to not gossip, judge and to backslide are soaked into every apostle's writings, and are expected to be evident in believers. Jesus himself continually demonstrated and taught to show kindness and unconditional love, and uncompromising truth. To be real with God and to come to him. The tension has always existed for me here, because while I knew that I needed to be characterized by these qualities, I rarely felt that sort of compassion or grace within me, even as I did 'ministry'- even with my closest friends. The tension between the truth of our depravity and the truth of Jesus being lived out through and in believers, evidenced by how they lived and how they loved.
Learning more about God's sovereignty, or how he knows all and is in control of all- I'm being shown that cynicism has no place in how I ought to view others. 'He himself will perfect you' is stated and restated throughout Isaiah ( the book I'm currently going through) and in the apostle's letters. When Jesus prayed that 'they would be one as we are one', he continues to intercede for us now. The fact that God alone is the 'author and perfecter' of our faith, that we can take no credit in how much we've grown in our relationship with Christ- shows that God has done it, and will perfect the faith of the believer until the end. His sovereignty.
There is no room for my cynicism when I see these things. When I think about how Jesus Christ paid completely the cost to 'bring many sons to glory', that tension still exists. The price is way too high for me to even begin imagining it. When I see the transformation in my life and in the lives of my friends, I can't be a cynic because if I am, my eyes are still focused on imperfect people, not the perfection of Jesus Christ. In some respect I could even be expressing that my sin is actually too heavy for Jesus! It's ridiculous, but that's the struggle. It's a strange self-deprecating/others-deprecating pride. I am falsely under the impression that my sin is too great, so when I see another's, my judgement is on them. It gives me some false security, a measuring stick if you will. Instead, the only measure should be Jesus Christ's perfection, perfectly conquering sin, his grace perfectly covering us. Meaning that when I see you or myself, I need to be remembering that Jesus himself is interceding for us, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, that to the Father, because of Jesus Christ, we are blameless on the day of judgement; and the judgement that God himself gives- that is true justice. It blows my mind to think of how Jesus is the full demonstration of God's justice!
The issue is not so much whether I am assuming the worst in people or assuming the best in people. Instead, it is fully grace, fully loving, fully just… when I look at Jesus Christ. The fullness. If he himself really defines you and me, then both the cynic and optimist need to change the focus. When I see you, even if I feel wronged, am I seeing what Christ has done for and within you and me? Am I completely relying and believing in his complete perfection in justice, instead of creating my own measuring stick of justice? Jesus really is all. It is insane to me that he promises to perfect those who belong to him. How is that supposed to change the way I view sin? The way I encourage people?
I honestly do not know how that looks like in real life, in my life. And that's where a cynic with a blog post ends. Now to live that.
The strangest thing for me has been that as I'm trying to be more honest, the more I find myself expressing cynicism, usually about people's motives. I can assume the worst, and that's normal for me. Does being cynical really have a place in the heart of someone who follows Jesus Christ? I guess it doesn't.
It's easy to tell a million people on the internet how I feel, but it's difficult business when it's between people. In the last year or two, I feel like the effects of being cynical about people is taking a toll on how I interact with everyone, even my closest friends. I can say something accusatory without even trying to be. I keep feeling like if I am going to be completely honest, all you will hear is how I doubt the good in anyone. It's true right?
I'm breaking some silence only because I feel as if this is something that I wish wasn't such a deep and prevailing part of me, and I hope that whoever is reading won't end up falling into it either. I always hated the 'be a better you' and 'you are great' crap from some preachers, because I just knew it wasn't true. But in short, the more God is showing me about sanctification and how He works in his people- the less room there is for my brand of 'realism'.
To see things as they truly are; I see that everything is corrupt, and ultimately, in everything in and about myself. Any good I do or say is stained immeasurably with sin, and the older I get, the more I see that, the deeper I realize it is. My sin is increasingly obvious and I know now (and will know even more later) that I can do nothing at all. No amount of effort or self-confidence boosting can change that reality, can change the gravity of it.
It returns me to Jesus... who really reminds and represents the apex of human depravity. His life and execution proves that people do not in fact, have an ounce of goodness in themselves. That people would curse and hate God himself when he was with them, while he extended love and acceptance for them. For us. Jesus makes it resolutely clear that man does not have a righteous bone in his body.
That's the tension though. Jesus being our sacrifice is really the 'wisdom of God' himself. The whole plan exposes the reality that people are indeed corrupt to no end, but if it doesn't leave you in awe of the craziness of God's love, then you have missed the point. I'm saying that because I think I have missed the point.
I'm not saying that the 'feel-good' brand of preaching is correct, in fact I remain intensely against it, because it is a false, self-worshipping, therapeutic security. I am saying that cynicism can't take up any space when we are focused on Jesus, though. Am I remaining at the death of Christ, and forgetting that he conquered not just his physical execution, but the complete depravity and sinfulness of everyone? He is above it and is stronger than that. The realization stands true, but the truth of Jesus conquering that bottomless sin should be producing a different kind of expression from me. Joy? Definitely not cynicism. I keep finding myself stuck at that place, in anger and frustration that everyone along with myself would be so evil. But Jesus resurrecting…
What all apostles write about is the kindness and love shown to everyone. Grace is paramount because Christ demonstrated it fully. Commands to not gossip, judge and to backslide are soaked into every apostle's writings, and are expected to be evident in believers. Jesus himself continually demonstrated and taught to show kindness and unconditional love, and uncompromising truth. To be real with God and to come to him. The tension has always existed for me here, because while I knew that I needed to be characterized by these qualities, I rarely felt that sort of compassion or grace within me, even as I did 'ministry'- even with my closest friends. The tension between the truth of our depravity and the truth of Jesus being lived out through and in believers, evidenced by how they lived and how they loved.
Learning more about God's sovereignty, or how he knows all and is in control of all- I'm being shown that cynicism has no place in how I ought to view others. 'He himself will perfect you' is stated and restated throughout Isaiah ( the book I'm currently going through) and in the apostle's letters. When Jesus prayed that 'they would be one as we are one', he continues to intercede for us now. The fact that God alone is the 'author and perfecter' of our faith, that we can take no credit in how much we've grown in our relationship with Christ- shows that God has done it, and will perfect the faith of the believer until the end. His sovereignty.
There is no room for my cynicism when I see these things. When I think about how Jesus Christ paid completely the cost to 'bring many sons to glory', that tension still exists. The price is way too high for me to even begin imagining it. When I see the transformation in my life and in the lives of my friends, I can't be a cynic because if I am, my eyes are still focused on imperfect people, not the perfection of Jesus Christ. In some respect I could even be expressing that my sin is actually too heavy for Jesus! It's ridiculous, but that's the struggle. It's a strange self-deprecating/others-deprecating pride. I am falsely under the impression that my sin is too great, so when I see another's, my judgement is on them. It gives me some false security, a measuring stick if you will. Instead, the only measure should be Jesus Christ's perfection, perfectly conquering sin, his grace perfectly covering us. Meaning that when I see you or myself, I need to be remembering that Jesus himself is interceding for us, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, that to the Father, because of Jesus Christ, we are blameless on the day of judgement; and the judgement that God himself gives- that is true justice. It blows my mind to think of how Jesus is the full demonstration of God's justice!
The issue is not so much whether I am assuming the worst in people or assuming the best in people. Instead, it is fully grace, fully loving, fully just… when I look at Jesus Christ. The fullness. If he himself really defines you and me, then both the cynic and optimist need to change the focus. When I see you, even if I feel wronged, am I seeing what Christ has done for and within you and me? Am I completely relying and believing in his complete perfection in justice, instead of creating my own measuring stick of justice? Jesus really is all. It is insane to me that he promises to perfect those who belong to him. How is that supposed to change the way I view sin? The way I encourage people?
I honestly do not know how that looks like in real life, in my life. And that's where a cynic with a blog post ends. Now to live that.
5/8/10
Reach 5:59 PM
I've been listening to the song, "Cielo" by Phil Wickham and the chorus goes "I can't lift my hands high enough, when I'm reaching for you, my God". I'm not sure if this is what Phil intended, but today, I realized that line is very terrifying for me. I think it's easy to romanticize statements of unreachability and the inability to understand God, but honestly, it scares me.
It's more like "I can't lift my hands high enough!$#$%$ I can't life my hands high enough!@#@$@#% When I'm reaching for you, my God!!$@#%@#". To me, it sucks that I can't reach high enough.
I feel like an accurate picture of college for me is me reaching more and more for God every year, trying harder to know Him. I'm in no way discrediting reaching out for God, I actually see that as evidence that God is working in a heart. But I will make a confession that may seem cliche and obvious to many, but is painful for me;
To know everything of God is impossible. I think it leads me to want to understand his infinite sovereign will, and instead of leading me to be in awe, it ends up making me feel hopeless. I can't reach Him, I can't attain him. I can't reach high enough. I know in my head that I should be in wonder of him, but for me, I feel that much further.
I think that's the difference between trying to know God and being known by Him. It's a very scary thing to try to know him because the more you know, the more you realize your lack of goodness. In other words, the more you try to know God, deeper and greater you realize your sin is. It shows alot of yourself, so much so that many times, I just don't want to know any more about my self. Funny that the culture stresses knowing and pleasing yourself so much, but that's a different story.
So now, to know that God himself knows you... what kind of reaction do I have? It tastes like a kind of freedom that just wasn't there before. Maybe that's what worship is.
I treat God as if he is some anomaly that I can figure out to my satisfaction. Now it's very obvious to me that it is never-ending. I can never know infinity. Living it out further complicates things. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to understand something, stuff happens and all of the sudden, your whole concept of what you thought you had grasped is way deeper than what you first thought. Me and an old childhood friend meet up every few months and every time we meet, our general consensus is; 'wow, we thought we understood last time. We had no idea how little we knew." That's every time we meet up. It's a constant re-realization of how much we don't know.
I must be known. Being a follower of Jesus feels impossible if you don't know for sure that he loves you. The difference between focusing on who God is to me and who I am to God.
It is a circular struggle that I suppose will keep happening over and over until I die. All this talk of surrender, belief, righteousness etc. is all good- but it's meaning is diminished in the end of the day if I don't actually trust and believe that God- who gives me my worth- loves me and desires that I be with Him. How much we must grieve him by keeping him at bay when He's made the way for us to freely and fully be with him (Hebrews 10:22). I must be known because left to my own strength- I can't reach high enough. But God has already reached down to us (SO CLICHE BUT SO, SO TRUE).
It is a weird feeling. I've spent my whole life reaching to him, yet I overlook that simple fact; That while we were still his enemies, Jesus died for us. He made a way, he did the reaching. It used to be that we had to be completely obedient (the old covenant) in order to even have his presence. Jesus became that obedience in a sense with the new covenant (Jeremiah 31:31) and now we have this insanely complete and open way to God.
If I learned anything in the last 23 years, it has to be the single fact that I couldn't reach him. But I can't reach high enough, I can't sing loud enough or long enough.. because Jesus has done it. God, help me learn to be in awe of that for the next 23.
It's more like "I can't lift my hands high enough!$#$%$ I can't life my hands high enough!@#@$@#% When I'm reaching for you, my God!!$@#%@#". To me, it sucks that I can't reach high enough.
I feel like an accurate picture of college for me is me reaching more and more for God every year, trying harder to know Him. I'm in no way discrediting reaching out for God, I actually see that as evidence that God is working in a heart. But I will make a confession that may seem cliche and obvious to many, but is painful for me;
To know everything of God is impossible. I think it leads me to want to understand his infinite sovereign will, and instead of leading me to be in awe, it ends up making me feel hopeless. I can't reach Him, I can't attain him. I can't reach high enough. I know in my head that I should be in wonder of him, but for me, I feel that much further.
I think that's the difference between trying to know God and being known by Him. It's a very scary thing to try to know him because the more you know, the more you realize your lack of goodness. In other words, the more you try to know God, deeper and greater you realize your sin is. It shows alot of yourself, so much so that many times, I just don't want to know any more about my self. Funny that the culture stresses knowing and pleasing yourself so much, but that's a different story.
So now, to know that God himself knows you... what kind of reaction do I have? It tastes like a kind of freedom that just wasn't there before. Maybe that's what worship is.
I treat God as if he is some anomaly that I can figure out to my satisfaction. Now it's very obvious to me that it is never-ending. I can never know infinity. Living it out further complicates things. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to understand something, stuff happens and all of the sudden, your whole concept of what you thought you had grasped is way deeper than what you first thought. Me and an old childhood friend meet up every few months and every time we meet, our general consensus is; 'wow, we thought we understood last time. We had no idea how little we knew." That's every time we meet up. It's a constant re-realization of how much we don't know.
I must be known. Being a follower of Jesus feels impossible if you don't know for sure that he loves you. The difference between focusing on who God is to me and who I am to God.
It is a circular struggle that I suppose will keep happening over and over until I die. All this talk of surrender, belief, righteousness etc. is all good- but it's meaning is diminished in the end of the day if I don't actually trust and believe that God- who gives me my worth- loves me and desires that I be with Him. How much we must grieve him by keeping him at bay when He's made the way for us to freely and fully be with him (Hebrews 10:22). I must be known because left to my own strength- I can't reach high enough. But God has already reached down to us (SO CLICHE BUT SO, SO TRUE).
It is a weird feeling. I've spent my whole life reaching to him, yet I overlook that simple fact; That while we were still his enemies, Jesus died for us. He made a way, he did the reaching. It used to be that we had to be completely obedient (the old covenant) in order to even have his presence. Jesus became that obedience in a sense with the new covenant (Jeremiah 31:31) and now we have this insanely complete and open way to God.
"And no longer shall each one teach his neighboar and each his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more"I guess reaching out for God means something different then, doesn't it? I've spent my whole self trying to reach for him because in the core of my mind, I believed that I could attain him. But I can't. But now, I reach because he has already reached out and finished the saving. Jesus accomplished the obedience that used to be required of us, and was crushed to make it final.
If I learned anything in the last 23 years, it has to be the single fact that I couldn't reach him. But I can't reach high enough, I can't sing loud enough or long enough.. because Jesus has done it. God, help me learn to be in awe of that for the next 23.
5/6/10
Next? 3:44 PM
It's more like a punch in the gut when I realize that a part of my life is coming to an end. It used to be that whenever I finished a grade or finished a school, it'd mean me going to another school or another grade. This time there's no more school, no more grades to pass. All that structure is done with.
What kind of change is supposed to happen after all of this? My entire, very short life, has been made up entirely of school and now it's all done (for now). I don't know what life is apart from this pattern. It's such a weird feeling because I have very little real context for what things should be like. I guess being an only child doesn't help either.
It lines up with much more important things, like what it means to follow Jesus now. I think I've grown exponentially in the last 5 years compared to the rest of it before. It's weird to think that 5 or 10 years from now I'll be saying the same thing about where I am compared to college.
College (at least for me) was never about doing well at a particular class, but it taught me how to learn. Actually, more than that, it gave me an environment where I found out what I was made of. Sometimes I used it as a means to define or distract myself, but I guess that's the human tendency to idolize and feed off of environment. I can't say my college career was that stellar, nor did I accomplish what I dreamed I would. But I know myself better than I did a few years ago. I know what I actually care about and what I don't. I'm finding out what makes me tick and what my real motivations are.
I don't have much processed right now, but something that is very apparent to me today is not just how much I need God, but how much I should want Him. I think it's easier to say that God is a necessity rather than He is everything I want. I know more now than I did 5 years ago, or heck, even last week, that I need him. I know that because everyday, I realize that in the lens of being holy, I've got nothing in myself. To quote a friend, 'my realization of how sinful I am is a continually growing void'. But I think that in a bigger way, I am seeing, if only a little, that the things I want are cheap toys and replacements for God. The older I get the more I see that everyone actually wants God, or something like him, but whether or not they actually will go to him is a different story.
It's easy for me to be in love with the little moments I had here, to hold onto what things were like. But I suppose it can't remain a crutch or comfort for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, with this spiel nor with what happens next.
What kind of change is supposed to happen after all of this? My entire, very short life, has been made up entirely of school and now it's all done (for now). I don't know what life is apart from this pattern. It's such a weird feeling because I have very little real context for what things should be like. I guess being an only child doesn't help either.
It lines up with much more important things, like what it means to follow Jesus now. I think I've grown exponentially in the last 5 years compared to the rest of it before. It's weird to think that 5 or 10 years from now I'll be saying the same thing about where I am compared to college.
College (at least for me) was never about doing well at a particular class, but it taught me how to learn. Actually, more than that, it gave me an environment where I found out what I was made of. Sometimes I used it as a means to define or distract myself, but I guess that's the human tendency to idolize and feed off of environment. I can't say my college career was that stellar, nor did I accomplish what I dreamed I would. But I know myself better than I did a few years ago. I know what I actually care about and what I don't. I'm finding out what makes me tick and what my real motivations are.
I don't have much processed right now, but something that is very apparent to me today is not just how much I need God, but how much I should want Him. I think it's easier to say that God is a necessity rather than He is everything I want. I know more now than I did 5 years ago, or heck, even last week, that I need him. I know that because everyday, I realize that in the lens of being holy, I've got nothing in myself. To quote a friend, 'my realization of how sinful I am is a continually growing void'. But I think that in a bigger way, I am seeing, if only a little, that the things I want are cheap toys and replacements for God. The older I get the more I see that everyone actually wants God, or something like him, but whether or not they actually will go to him is a different story.
It's easy for me to be in love with the little moments I had here, to hold onto what things were like. But I suppose it can't remain a crutch or comfort for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, with this spiel nor with what happens next.
4/26/10
1:33 3:33 PM
Posting my wordy journal entry in hopes that God uses my struggle to encourage and/or challenge.
Today I'm seeing that I can't keep trying to abstain to avoid acts of unrighteousness/pursue acts of righteousness. But once those barriers I place to keep myself from sinning are lifted, even for a little while, I give in to temptation to lust, pride or whatever.
Maybe it's like Chan (Forgotten God) says, I'm reliant on wisdom, discipline- not the Holy Spirit. In fact, I am seeing very clearly that I can't achieve it anyways! My pursuit of God is outweighed by my desire for other things to fill/satisfy me because even in my pursuit of God, I am not trusting and relying on Him.
My pursuit of God must be reliance on Him. I believe that my relationship and intimacy with God depends on my own ability.
God, it must be you- that I am not remaining in my immaturity and my lukewarmeness, my legalism and belief in my own ability- I have to believe that. God, I am wretched. I am so sinful and it keeps becoming more and more apparent. Even right now I'm distracted and my mind is on a million things other than you.
I have to admit- no, confess- that I do not live by your strength- I strive for you and things of you on my own- it doesn't make any sense. To reach out for you- to attain holiness by myself. Reaching for you without you reaching to me. My life is marked with my work- and that's all.
It's always been work. What I can do to reach you, to deserve something, even if it's just a little. What I'm unable to do- and getting stuck on how inadequate I am.
I am lustful for what earth can give me. I thirst for it because I am not satisfied by You. I cheapen You by relying on my discipline to maintain our relationship. How short-sighted and self-focused.
Woe to me... one who has heard your word, who has been exposed to your goodness and glory, yet I still choose to rely and worship myself! Acting as if earth is the closest I'll get to heaven!
My thirst is for you- but my reliance on myself only leads me to sin- because I can't hope in myself. It always fails. My flesh is only capable of evil things because it's corrupt. If I place hope on myself to reconcile it - I can't! How can corruption salvage corruption?
I always felt strange that my life was not marked by persevering joy... I seek you by my own means, my own strength. It's an endless and fruitless cycle. It's by my own work. I am well aware that I am unable to make right what is wrong in me and around me. I am aware of who powerless I am. Yet my actions show a much different belief- a weird hope in what I know in my head- I can't hope in.
It's a sad life- to hope with your flesh, while understanding all the while that it leads to nothing. I try and try to work that away, in hopes that I will reach purpose and fulfillment beyond what I'm bound to. But even the way I go about it perpetuates my sad faith in myself... increasingly so.
God I feel like you are whittling away at my stubbornness. How can I know all these things- and then not live it out? My life is not marked by love for You. It is not marked by security in you- hope in you. My actions are in hopes of fulfilling myself within this 'Christian' subculture and that's it. All the while wondering why something that I've been taught will satisfy me... doesn't.
You do not satisfy me.. because I won't give up myself- I won't relent and release my grip. Even in that statement I want to be able to do something about it. There is no switch- at least not from what I see in your word. It just is? God I need you. I have to give up. It is so frustrating to keep returning- to keep being refined this way. I suppose that in the end, I worship myself. In my supposed pursuit of you, I end up hoping in myself. I trust and rely on myself to make things right.
I've felt okay before- but can I really attribute it to God? Not to say he hasn't worked in my life- but when I am "doing well" it's generally accredited to my practice of something I've learned, a skill or certain nugget of wisdom I've picked up.
Faith in You- all the while dodging You. I feel the futility in it all. Relying on You, purely and completely is something that is foreign to me. I realize that I've treated You as a supplement to my own happiness instead of my being my king. One of many reasons to have purpose instead of my Savior and my God.
Even now, I want to do something to remedy it quickly, yet I can do nothing. Now- at least in this moment- I know I can't do anything. To just accept all You are.. to lay down my skill, talent, whatever, to consider them as 'filthy rags'- to go to you as helpless as I was when I was born.
It's all I can do. Ever. I have fooled myself by my work- taking what you have given me, to worship myself.
Help me not to be frozen in fear, to wallow in this- but to be freed by it. To be freed by the work of Jesus- being refined by the Holy Spirit. May I be marked by your power alone.
4/6/10
3/24/10
Tension and Becoming Who You Are 4:56 PM
.:Read 1 and 2 Peter- Letters from an apostle who knew he was going to die soon, crazy impactful:.
There's always that tension between living in grace, where we're completely forgiven, and doing good, which I constantly fail at. When it's about grace, I tend to neglect doing anything- and when I focus of doing good, I get very legalistic and judgmental, even at myself because I'm just not a good person.
The only thing I can conclude lately is from a mushy mixture of trying to figure out God's will, what that even means, my own inability to do good, His grace, yet God's commands that his believers do good, yet having complete dependence, while resting on the fact that he saves me absolutely.
After bible-ing like crazy, it seems like the real challenge is becoming who you are. I think John Piper explains it way more comprehensively here. What makes me really think about this tension is in 2 Peter 2:20-22 where Peter talks about being re-entangled by sin even when you're a believer. All I can gather from everything is that being saved is 2 parts: one is believing and being secure that God has chosen you and that your identity is completely in him and not in anything good or bad you do. But the other part is troubling for me- 'putting on the new self' (Colossians 3:10). I feel like I really neglect this point to the degree I never think about it. What good is it to believe you are free, when you keep serving the same master you were freed from?
It sucks to think that as a leader (btw I think everyone who's a believer is in some ways a leader)- if I'm continually cheating in class or stealing music or continually giving into lustful thoughts and prnography (in case you have a filter lol), I'm actually still serving the 'old master'. It's not even a matter of ignorance, it's willful dilution of sin. Despite the truth that Jesus has conquered my sin, I keep living as though I was never freed in the first place. I start cheapening my costly blood-bought freedom by only using it to make me feel better about the consequences of my wrong.
In the end, it's not even just willful decisions to sin or not to sin, but it ends up that the outpour from your heart is the bottom line of sinfulness- and that's the true source of sinfulness ( Matthew 15:19)- which we can't really willfully change. It's a Holy Spirit thing. And I guess that's what it means to 'put on the new self' and becoming who you are.
I'm starting to be convicted of the things I willfully do against God, the salvation I willfully cheapen; but I guess that in the end, these are all only the outpour of our sinful insides. So 'putting on the new self' is not only and merely a willful putting off of wrongs, it's asking and depending on the Holy Spirit to lead you to Christ- and to let that be the thing that puts on the true 'new self' so that your outpour is real and good. It's easy to measure spiritual success by saying that I have put off these bad things I do, and then I will judge you by what you have and haven't put to death. But that can't be it- it has to be that we need to deal with the core- the heart where everything pours out from. It's not just putting on a new shirt, it's asking God to put his change in you, something we can't do. Bleh, now to live that out.
There's always that tension between living in grace, where we're completely forgiven, and doing good, which I constantly fail at. When it's about grace, I tend to neglect doing anything- and when I focus of doing good, I get very legalistic and judgmental, even at myself because I'm just not a good person.
The only thing I can conclude lately is from a mushy mixture of trying to figure out God's will, what that even means, my own inability to do good, His grace, yet God's commands that his believers do good, yet having complete dependence, while resting on the fact that he saves me absolutely.
After bible-ing like crazy, it seems like the real challenge is becoming who you are. I think John Piper explains it way more comprehensively here. What makes me really think about this tension is in 2 Peter 2:20-22 where Peter talks about being re-entangled by sin even when you're a believer. All I can gather from everything is that being saved is 2 parts: one is believing and being secure that God has chosen you and that your identity is completely in him and not in anything good or bad you do. But the other part is troubling for me- 'putting on the new self' (Colossians 3:10). I feel like I really neglect this point to the degree I never think about it. What good is it to believe you are free, when you keep serving the same master you were freed from?
It sucks to think that as a leader (btw I think everyone who's a believer is in some ways a leader)- if I'm continually cheating in class or stealing music or continually giving into lustful thoughts and prnography (in case you have a filter lol), I'm actually still serving the 'old master'. It's not even a matter of ignorance, it's willful dilution of sin. Despite the truth that Jesus has conquered my sin, I keep living as though I was never freed in the first place. I start cheapening my costly blood-bought freedom by only using it to make me feel better about the consequences of my wrong.
In the end, it's not even just willful decisions to sin or not to sin, but it ends up that the outpour from your heart is the bottom line of sinfulness- and that's the true source of sinfulness ( Matthew 15:19)- which we can't really willfully change. It's a Holy Spirit thing. And I guess that's what it means to 'put on the new self' and becoming who you are.
I'm starting to be convicted of the things I willfully do against God, the salvation I willfully cheapen; but I guess that in the end, these are all only the outpour of our sinful insides. So 'putting on the new self' is not only and merely a willful putting off of wrongs, it's asking and depending on the Holy Spirit to lead you to Christ- and to let that be the thing that puts on the true 'new self' so that your outpour is real and good. It's easy to measure spiritual success by saying that I have put off these bad things I do, and then I will judge you by what you have and haven't put to death. But that can't be it- it has to be that we need to deal with the core- the heart where everything pours out from. It's not just putting on a new shirt, it's asking God to put his change in you, something we can't do. Bleh, now to live that out.
3/19/10
Escape vs Embrace 12:27 AM
Been reading Habakkuk, which means 'embrace', so I've been thinking about that word all day. I was also posed with the question- if we could go to heaven where all of our troubles would be gone, we could enjoy everything, be free of sickness and grief- would I be satisfied? I would be able to finally escape all of the things in this world that lets me down or messes with my happiness. I answered with a pretty sure yes. But then the question became, 'would you even need Jesus?' Oh man.
It's easy to think about heaven being the place where we can finally escape this place and be free of everything that sucks- but how often do you think about it being the place where you can finally be with Jesus, face to face? It almost seems less enticing, honestly.
It leads me to see how much I want what God can offer me rather than just wanting God himself, only- and that being way more than enough. Every time something gets difficult, my first response always has something to do with wanting God to remove me from it. And if I'm feeling extra holy (sarcasm)- I'll ask him to help me slavishly endure my terrible time.
It's so natural to want the escape, the relief- but it's so hard to actually want to, and to actually embrace, or take hold of Jesus. In 2 Corinthians 4:17 I wonder if the 'eternal glory that outweighs' is Jesus himself. It doesn't make sense that the outweighing eternal glory is just an everlasting sunny weather and void of problems. Sounds kind of like retirement. We are called co-heirs (Romans 8:17) to rule alongside Jesus- 'to share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory'; that doesn't sound at all like what the typical idea of heaven is.
Honestly, I don't actually want to embrace God, I just want to escape hell. I even need God to help me want him. Think about it.
It's easy to think about heaven being the place where we can finally escape this place and be free of everything that sucks- but how often do you think about it being the place where you can finally be with Jesus, face to face? It almost seems less enticing, honestly.
It leads me to see how much I want what God can offer me rather than just wanting God himself, only- and that being way more than enough. Every time something gets difficult, my first response always has something to do with wanting God to remove me from it. And if I'm feeling extra holy (sarcasm)- I'll ask him to help me slavishly endure my terrible time.
It's so natural to want the escape, the relief- but it's so hard to actually want to, and to actually embrace, or take hold of Jesus. In 2 Corinthians 4:17 I wonder if the 'eternal glory that outweighs' is Jesus himself. It doesn't make sense that the outweighing eternal glory is just an everlasting sunny weather and void of problems. Sounds kind of like retirement. We are called co-heirs (Romans 8:17) to rule alongside Jesus- 'to share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory'; that doesn't sound at all like what the typical idea of heaven is.
Honestly, I don't actually want to embrace God, I just want to escape hell. I even need God to help me want him. Think about it.
3/11/10
A whole lot of nothing 5:31 PM
I've been wanting to write, but I can't find enough words- my post would be something like those cryptic one-word posts that nobody actually knows what it means but it seems super deep.
When I pray it feels like there's not much to say. When people ask me about how I'm doing, I can't seem to express it- it's just me explaining what I'm explaining now.
Right now, I'm realizing that maybe, I've spent most of my time talking at God, or serving at God, or learning at God. It's very self-focused (even right now, I'm focusing on myself). It tires a brotha out. I wonder if this is what is referred to as being 'spiritually obese'- where you are packed chock-full of sermons, quotable quips, applicable song lyrics and self-justifying work ethic. Always having an answer, but never knowing what you're saying. I feel like that.
So now I keep finding myself wanting to just be; just sitting there and trying to shut up, to stop bingeing on sermons and books and KLTY (blech btw. sorry I'm a hater (come on, they play 'the climb')) - maybe it's like eating a ton and never exercising. Or is it like exercising alot and never playing the game? Another weird thing is that I've been wanting to take the 'Mark Driscoll method' of learning- reading the entire bible and seeing what it says about whatever it is you have a question about . I think about Ephesians 4:14 or James 1:5-7 . Whenever I read a good book/hear a convicting thing, I'm like "YEAH SO CONVICTING" and then I'll read some other book/hear something convicting and be like "WOW SO CONVICTING" and it's just me being tornado'd around by different poignant talking points. Man, even right now, I may be doing that to you hahahaahha
From talking to people about their growth- I have returned once again to the same thing. You've got to be real with God. He sees through all of your knowledge and He sees what's really going on, so don't trick yourself into believing that you're fine just because you finished a John Piper book and have understood some rich theology (good books btw). The lack of depth you feel with other people around you probably means that you need to start looking at what your depth is with God himself instead of trying to binge on serving or whatever it is you do that helps you sleep at night.
It sounds harsh, I'm saying 'you' alot, but I actually am just talking about me- I just feel like there's got to be someone out there on the blogosphere who needs to return to God himself and to be completely affirmed and satisfied and real. If I can't be real with God who sees who I am regardless- how do I expect to do anything really.
I write alot for someone who says he has nothing to write about. I'm not trying to be super philosophical or anything, I don't want to just add to the noise of what we're being bombarded with. Do you lack love/patience/grace/direction/balbhablblahb/everything? Stop looking for things to do, and return to what's happening between you and God. There's probably beef- or.. a whole lot of nothing.
2/20/10
For the Good 11:12 PM
I talked to an old friend a few nights ago- and it ended with us concluding that we've come to the point where we know for certain that we have absolutely no power to do anything- we can't do good by God. It's easy to say that our sin is unacceptable- but to think that even our best is objectively, 'filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6) feels hopeless. Our concluding statement was something along the lines of- 'if God didn't decide to have us, we would be completely and hopelessly screwed'.
I've been trying to endure, to be patient, to obey without question, to 'bear fruit'- because I know they are all part of what God wants of us. I have been doing a whole lot, serving in every way I can. I end up feeling overburdened and dry- and lately, even bitter- and the day ends with me seeing no worth in anything I worked at. My endurance feels more like a pointless and purposeless wait.
But today, I finally was put in a position where I had to be alone, without much responsibility (even though I tried to find things to do). I ended up just saying, 'okay God I give up, I need to just be with you'. I frustratingly wrote out a bunch of stuff that ended up sounding suspiciously like Psalm 51. At some point I looked up the word 'joy' in the bible and more than 200 hits came up and i just started reading through all of them. At that point it just broke me because I started seeing that God actually wants us to be joyful. In fact, our toil without joy is worthless to him (Deuteronomy 28:46-48).
I have been understanding more and more that God is doing everything- heart-breaking, encouraging and everything in between, for our good because he loves us and knows us more than we know ourselves. He sees the big picture. But what I just can't understand is why I don't feel anything. Why do I feel complete emptiness- just holding out for the day I'll find out why. But joy... I can't believe that God of everything- requires of me to have joy. Joyless toil, while knowing that God has been working for your good all along- doesn't make much sense (but it happens alot). Even crazier is that if this is what pleases God, our joy is part of him being glorified. It's not a selfish thing- in fact, it is the very thing that brings him glory. Joy in pain, joy in goodness. Joyful even in losing (Hebrews 10:34). 'Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting' (Psalm 126:5). When Jesus went to be crushed on the cross for us- people who didn't merit it- he 'endured for the joy set before him' (Hebrews 12:2).
I actually don't know what that feels like. It's not even completely formed in my mind and my insides. But right now- I feel free for the first time in a long time.
I've been trying to endure, to be patient, to obey without question, to 'bear fruit'- because I know they are all part of what God wants of us. I have been doing a whole lot, serving in every way I can. I end up feeling overburdened and dry- and lately, even bitter- and the day ends with me seeing no worth in anything I worked at. My endurance feels more like a pointless and purposeless wait.
But today, I finally was put in a position where I had to be alone, without much responsibility (even though I tried to find things to do). I ended up just saying, 'okay God I give up, I need to just be with you'. I frustratingly wrote out a bunch of stuff that ended up sounding suspiciously like Psalm 51. At some point I looked up the word 'joy' in the bible and more than 200 hits came up and i just started reading through all of them. At that point it just broke me because I started seeing that God actually wants us to be joyful. In fact, our toil without joy is worthless to him (Deuteronomy 28:46-48).
I have been understanding more and more that God is doing everything- heart-breaking, encouraging and everything in between, for our good because he loves us and knows us more than we know ourselves. He sees the big picture. But what I just can't understand is why I don't feel anything. Why do I feel complete emptiness- just holding out for the day I'll find out why. But joy... I can't believe that God of everything- requires of me to have joy. Joyless toil, while knowing that God has been working for your good all along- doesn't make much sense (but it happens alot). Even crazier is that if this is what pleases God, our joy is part of him being glorified. It's not a selfish thing- in fact, it is the very thing that brings him glory. Joy in pain, joy in goodness. Joyful even in losing (Hebrews 10:34). 'Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting' (Psalm 126:5). When Jesus went to be crushed on the cross for us- people who didn't merit it- he 'endured for the joy set before him' (Hebrews 12:2).
I actually don't know what that feels like. It's not even completely formed in my mind and my insides. But right now- I feel free for the first time in a long time.
1/29/10
Bear with me 12:56 PM
I feel a very deep disconnect lately. It's weird how I can know alot yet it mean very little to me, even though in my mind, I 'know' how theology and intimacy should be connected.
It's hard to surrender to the fact that there is the truth of what you can see and the overarching truth of what God defines it as. At some point, I keep defaulting back to what I can see.
It seems that God is in control of everything, whether it's seemingly good or bad. In some ways, the theology makes sense, but it doesn't jive with what I want. For instance, if God is ultimately in control, then are we just like caged birds (C.S. Lewis)? Maybe we're supposed to be like that, and maybe it doesn't carry the same kind of meaning.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding that the more I know of God, the more our love should grow for Him right? I don't think that I'm finding God untrue or unreasonable- I'm just finding that I don't have much love for the things God does in myself. I'm understanding the Atheist rejection of faith, in that I often feel the tension between my own reason and God's reason. But I'm seeing that the 'rejection of faith' is only a rejection of the person of God. He's not unreasonable, untrue, unjust or unloving. It's just that we don't want to accept his reason, truth, justice or love.
It's ridiculous to think that I can out-reason or out-love God. An objective look at the state of the world should make you a pessimist. I guess the hard part is finding everything you are in God only, because what you see can't give you hope at all.
I'm coming off of a peak of what I'll call the "Identity Gospel" where I tell myself and others that it's about who they are in God, and that what they do right or wrong has no bearing on their identity in Christ. But I start looking at myself and it's objectively not what I believe my identity to be. But to put hope in what we don't see. Hm.
How do you get out of your own head, and start being with God? I've been spending alot of time serving, pondering, reading (John Piper!), but it doesn't feel like it's bring me any closer than I was before. How does David delight in the law? How does he find his rest in God so readily? How did the prophets cope with their reality? I feel like I know the answers on paper, but it's not really cutting it. The more complete of a picture I get of God, the more I realize that in the end, I'm just not in agreement with Him. I don't struggle so much with why He puts me in circumstances, but moreso that I don't agree with the way he does things. I guess it really is only the spirit can really bring that to light. Yeah, there's no way I can think my way out of this one. I was hoping that finding out more about God would create greater intimacy. I guess it sets it up well, because now that I have a better idea of who God is; wrathful, just, loving, fierce, jealous, patient, completely sovereign- I have a better idea of where I really stand. It's easy for me to jive with the identity thing to a certain degree, because it's all about my limited understanding of what love is. But the complete picture of God moving everything in this crazy cosmic yet intimate way- it's bringing out the truth that I rely on what I want God to be, not necessarily who He actually is. I want him to only be my comfort, but not my discipline. I only want him to be patient, but not one to push me. It seems like I only desire God to the degree of what I expect from my idea of justice, love and desire. That's probably why I keep going to other things, because I'm only seeking the Jesus I want him to be, not the Jesus he is. Hm.
1/21/10
simple 2:24 AM
After alot of questions, it seems like I'm back to the beginning where it was never really about the hard questions. It's a matter of going to God with everything, even if I don't know everything. Learning to trust Him, knowing that he's going to keep perfecting me until I leave.
I don't think I'm really doing this any justice but I needed to put it down somewhere before I forgot. It's so simple, that I almost can't accept it. That I go to God in confidence with anything, whether it's immature, flawed or confused- knowing that he will keep growing me, giving worth to my work, and a growing understanding of who he is. That I don't have to be perfect before I go to God. I don't have to appear behaviorally 'christian' before I go to him.
I suppose that with time, we will truly follow him and know him more and be motivated by him rather than our other desires- more than now. And it's progressive and continual. I just need to come to him and be with him. How did I ever expect to learn from God at a distance if it was always about us being reconciled to him? If it was always about knowing him, desiring him? I think about me and Sonya, how it had to start honestly with seemingly immature and 'incorrect' stances and feelings. As we expressed how we really felt and thought, we did realize alot of what we knew of each other was actually wrong, but I can tell you now that I trust her and know her a whole lot more than even a few months ago.
Is it really that simple? I had all of these questions- but it feels like they're not as important anymore.
I don't think I'm really doing this any justice but I needed to put it down somewhere before I forgot. It's so simple, that I almost can't accept it. That I go to God in confidence with anything, whether it's immature, flawed or confused- knowing that he will keep growing me, giving worth to my work, and a growing understanding of who he is. That I don't have to be perfect before I go to God. I don't have to appear behaviorally 'christian' before I go to him.
I suppose that with time, we will truly follow him and know him more and be motivated by him rather than our other desires- more than now. And it's progressive and continual. I just need to come to him and be with him. How did I ever expect to learn from God at a distance if it was always about us being reconciled to him? If it was always about knowing him, desiring him? I think about me and Sonya, how it had to start honestly with seemingly immature and 'incorrect' stances and feelings. As we expressed how we really felt and thought, we did realize alot of what we knew of each other was actually wrong, but I can tell you now that I trust her and know her a whole lot more than even a few months ago.
Is it really that simple? I had all of these questions- but it feels like they're not as important anymore.
1/15/10
My Portion 4:57 PM
I've been constantly thinking about what it means for God to be my portion (psalm 73:26) , which means the "chosen share".
The last month and a half has been showing me how little of my 'relationship w/ God' is actually a relationship with God. Alot of things keep causing tension in me. My dad came to really believe in Jesus a few weeks ago- but now he's depressed. Sonya's going through a difficult transition. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself- I don't even know what I want. And when I'm not worried about those things, I keep worrying about friends around me who just don't seem to care about walking with Jesus.
I think at some point, I believed that life was supposed to look a certain way when I follow Jesus. I think it's some cookie-cutter shaped life that I need to somehow achieve. It's like I've traded just being with God for good principles. It's so much easier to cling to a principle when things aren't going your way and you feel desperate. I keep trying to attain some strange picture of "christian" perfection but I can't live up to that. Then I feel bad but I keep trying to tough it out by saying that I will try harder, "because it's worth it". So I reach up- but it's way easier to reach up to a good rule rather than reaching to God himself. Like when I'm impatient I'll think, "God's timing, Daniel", but I don't actually go to him. It's easier Isn't it?
I feel like if i were to read what I'm writing, I'd instantly be like, "God works for the good of those who love him". What does that even mean? Do I even think about what I'm saying? What difference does it make for me to try to live a good life? What difference does it make for me to 'live by good principles'? How is that any different than a Buddhist, Muslim or Atheist who says the same thing?
It all sounds very textbook- the "it's about relationship, not religion!" spiel. But I can't find a drug to make me well. I was up til 3 am one night and my phone was broken, the internet was filtered up, and I had nothing to do. It drove me nuts. I wanted anything but to sit down and pray, to crack open that Bible. I started eating stuff, I started walking around, moving things around- I felt like I was going crazy. I knew nothing was going to satisfy me- but I just couldn't get myself to be satisfied by God. I knew it would, but I didn't want it. I just wanted my fix. I wanted to get that christian buzz of doing something foolish and then go crying back to Jesus. I wanted to feel something, even if it was bad. I had to feel like I either did something good or bad enough to give me good enough reason to come to Jesus.
Do you ever live your whole day, maybe it was full of meaning, and then when you go to bed, you still feel empty? I can meet up with 3 or 4 people, do a quiet time, pray my ass off and lead worship at church- and mean all of it, be refreshed by all of it- yet go home and lay in my bed wondering why I can't be satisfied. You know what I've found? At the core of it, my christianity is just another way for me to get a fix. It's another way for me to feel something I really long for. It sucks to say, but I think I don't want God himself.
If there were no consequences to my actions, would I still abstain from sinning? If time I spent encouraging people didn't feel so rewarding, would I still do it? If reconciling with a friend didn't give me closure would I still be okay?
Nothing is fulfilling. Nothing is satisfying. I'm helpless to change anything. Then I hear him say
"Apart from me
You can do nothing."
How many things do I do- even "christian" things- apart from God? If I'm being honest right now- it's most of it. Why do things feel daunting or overly complex and unreachable? Because at some point I decided to take on something- apart from God. What good is principle? What good is Intervarsity or church or quiet time or community or accountability or care or questions or verses? They mean something- but I'm starting to think think that I've removed them from God, I've substituted Jesus with reading or serving or meeting or singing. I can honestly say with certainty that all of these things are great-only when it's goal is to help us come to Jesus himself. It's crazy that I can know and recite and spew God's word as "encouragement" and refuse to come to God to have life. Read John 5:39-40 .
Even when my heart doesn't hold up, even when my body gives out- when it all fails me, what is the strength of my heart? What is sustaining me? It's like I ask God for some muscle and then run off and try to change the world with my own blood fueling me. But I can't, it always fails. I can actually say it with certainty now. God has to be the strength of my heart pumping. He has to be my portion. My reward- what I want the most. If not, I guess it just makes me an addict to things that will end up killing me, including the things I 'do for God'.
I know someone's going to say, 'well, remember that just because your motives weren't always right, God still used you'. Yeah, I believe that. God would be weak if he didn't. It gives me confidence that he would do such a thing- making my mess into goodness. I'm simply saying that apart from God, I literally cannot do anything. This may be redundant and sunday school sounding, but I don't really care because it's true. Jesus is my worth- even if I couldn't do anything worthwhile with my life. God is what I really want in the end, but my flesh fails by telling me that I want what it wants. The emptiness of everything is real. To put my hope in what I can't see is really my only hope. If I'm putting my hope in anything else at all, I'm just straight-up lying to myself. Hope seen, is not hope at all (Romans 8:24).
I still hope because I know it's not in vain. If God is the one who makes us grow, all we can (and should) do is remain in him (John 15:7). Just to be with him and to trust and know Him. I know there's stuff that happens next- like straining for what's ahead (Philippians 3:13). I suppose I'm doing that now.