11/22/09
11/18/09
journal 6:18 PM
Don't really know what to write. Honestly, it feels like I'm kind of at a standstill. I've retyped out a journal entry from Sunday, which is the true followup to last time's blog. I only added some parenthetical things to clarify some parts ( it's even formatted the same in my journal)- I just want to reach back 3 days ago and remember what I felt and said
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Sunday 1:22 am, Nov 15th
God chose to love us before we were born- knowing all we would do against him (Romans 8:29-30). "Predestined" has a whole different gravity to it.
The more we understand our sinfulness-(the growing severity of our real self)- the more joy, because we know His love is that much greater. This is what he took upon himself on that cross- and the more we realize the intensity of our sin (the more that it's shown to us)- the more we understand what Jesus had to bear.
Waiting to get fed- after talking to Ly and Nate- and even Sonya- I'm coming to the reality that we won't always have the accountability we want (though it's no less important) and we wish we had that accountability or certain kind of commitment. But why not be that? God help me commit to these guys.
Letting go: "Give God space"
I am not God- nor am I meant to live as if I am, to dictate as if I am and to be frustrated as if I am. I think I'm understanding more of what Ly is saying when he says that sometimes you just have to let be, even if it's not what you want (to see happen).
I hold on- I get dejected when I feel like my words, my kindness or service comes back empty; when a friend doesn't respond in the way I know they should.
But I'm not God. I get discouraged because I feel like my words and actions are the important thing. No, but it's God who changes a person, not us. Not me. None of my cleverness, or foolishness will drive a person either way- it's God working through his people, regardless of their method because in the end, our best is even "like filthy rags", objectively. God has chosen to love before, and has also chosen to use us before- (all the while already) knowing our weakness, knowing our sinfulness.
Going downtown made me understand for myself that it's not this system of good work. I think in my mind, I never stopped putting certain things on pedestals. This being one of them.
Long story short- I realize that it's quite meaningless apart form God- It's really all about God working through his people- not about how effective our works are on their own.
It's like how if my art is criticized, I get demoralized, but when it's praised, I don't feel good anyways. I look for that which I know won't give me what I really thirst for in the end.
Back at the beginning, know God. Being intimate with Him, is all the worth to your work. It's more where He calls us, rather than what actions we feel to be nobler per se.
There is freedom there. It's freeing when we realize that we aren't God, nor are we meant to be. It is humbling to realize that God has already done for us, has already saved us, loved us- "while we were yet sinners"
There is no way douchebaggery can last under that kind of grace, this love.
Oh God. Thank you. Help move words to motion in me. That this love you've shown me (and keep showing me more) is spilled out. Help me be fearlessly abandoned to you. I have hope. Because I know You.
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Sunday 1:22 am, Nov 15th
God chose to love us before we were born- knowing all we would do against him (Romans 8:29-30). "Predestined" has a whole different gravity to it.
The more we understand our sinfulness-(the growing severity of our real self)- the more joy, because we know His love is that much greater. This is what he took upon himself on that cross- and the more we realize the intensity of our sin (the more that it's shown to us)- the more we understand what Jesus had to bear.
Waiting to get fed- after talking to Ly and Nate- and even Sonya- I'm coming to the reality that we won't always have the accountability we want (though it's no less important) and we wish we had that accountability or certain kind of commitment. But why not be that? God help me commit to these guys.
Letting go: "Give God space"
I am not God- nor am I meant to live as if I am, to dictate as if I am and to be frustrated as if I am. I think I'm understanding more of what Ly is saying when he says that sometimes you just have to let be, even if it's not what you want (to see happen).
I hold on- I get dejected when I feel like my words, my kindness or service comes back empty; when a friend doesn't respond in the way I know they should.
But I'm not God. I get discouraged because I feel like my words and actions are the important thing. No, but it's God who changes a person, not us. Not me. None of my cleverness, or foolishness will drive a person either way- it's God working through his people, regardless of their method because in the end, our best is even "like filthy rags", objectively. God has chosen to love before, and has also chosen to use us before- (all the while already) knowing our weakness, knowing our sinfulness.
Going downtown made me understand for myself that it's not this system of good work. I think in my mind, I never stopped putting certain things on pedestals. This being one of them.
Long story short- I realize that it's quite meaningless apart form God- It's really all about God working through his people- not about how effective our works are on their own.
It's like how if my art is criticized, I get demoralized, but when it's praised, I don't feel good anyways. I look for that which I know won't give me what I really thirst for in the end.
Back at the beginning, know God. Being intimate with Him, is all the worth to your work. It's more where He calls us, rather than what actions we feel to be nobler per se.
There is freedom there. It's freeing when we realize that we aren't God, nor are we meant to be. It is humbling to realize that God has already done for us, has already saved us, loved us- "while we were yet sinners"
There is no way douchebaggery can last under that kind of grace, this love.
Oh God. Thank you. Help move words to motion in me. That this love you've shown me (and keep showing me more) is spilled out. Help me be fearlessly abandoned to you. I have hope. Because I know You.
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11/10/09
PBJ and Being Rich 2:18 AM
Some of my friends go downtown to give food to the homeless, which consists of a loaf of bread, peanut butter and easy-squeeze jelly. Me and Pat went today and got the same because we decided we would do the same. I felt that if I was going to give this to someone, I personally had to know what it felt like to eat that for a week straight. I also wanted to know what it was like to not being able to buy food.
I'm only sharing this because I'm already realizing what a ridiculous thing all of this is.
We had that PBJ and then I suddenly wanted some Starbucks, I smelled La Madeleine, I wanted some Braum's. I wanted to get something savory. I didn't realize how easy it was for me to just buy whatever I wanted. All of the sudden, I start appreciating the luxury of eating whatever, whenever you want. It's dumb because I've only had one PBJ. I guess the thought of having to eat only that had already started taking over my mind. Then the ridiculousness of it struck me.
I have a car. I have clothes. I can wash them whenever I want. I can take a shower whenever I want, how many times I want. I can brush my teeth. I have a Macbook. My mom still 'forces' breakfast upon me (which I now appreciate). I have a cell phone. And this is all while I'm on my Righteous PBJ Fast. Heck, I'm blogging right now.
You know what's more ridiculous? I think about having sushi, because it seems so great and it's so expensive, I'm stuck eating fast food. The homeless guy 20 minutes from here wishes he could just have what I ate at Braum's because it's a warm meal and it's so expensive for him, but he's stuck eating PBJ everyday. The average kid in the outskirts of Sudan doesn't even know what PBJ tastes like, much less anything clean, he's stuck eating rations. The rest of the world, they just don't even know when they'll eat next.
WE ARE SO RICH. If you are reading this- YOU ARE RICH. I always say how poor I am and how I have to go coupon clip and how I barely have enough money for gas. I'M RICH. This is what rappers must feel like everyday.
(hahah just to clarify)
a camel can't even fit into the eye of a giant needle. But seriously, Jesus says it like it is and that scares me.
So I guess this has many, many parts:
So you've got a whole new can o' worms if you're listening to what Jesus is saying. I know this might sound damning, but that's not my heart at all- it's just a sobering thing for me to realize today, and the urgency of really seeing where my heart is has just shot up to the sky. With so many things we have- is God really everything and worth giving up all you have (Luke 19:1-9), or is He just one of the many activities and gods you give yourself away to? I feel like my life points to the second- and that is killing me. Talk to Jesus. I'll be doing alot of that this week whilst eating that PBJ.
I'm only sharing this because I'm already realizing what a ridiculous thing all of this is.
We had that PBJ and then I suddenly wanted some Starbucks, I smelled La Madeleine, I wanted some Braum's. I wanted to get something savory. I didn't realize how easy it was for me to just buy whatever I wanted. All of the sudden, I start appreciating the luxury of eating whatever, whenever you want. It's dumb because I've only had one PBJ. I guess the thought of having to eat only that had already started taking over my mind. Then the ridiculousness of it struck me.
I have a car. I have clothes. I can wash them whenever I want. I can take a shower whenever I want, how many times I want. I can brush my teeth. I have a Macbook. My mom still 'forces' breakfast upon me (which I now appreciate). I have a cell phone. And this is all while I'm on my Righteous PBJ Fast. Heck, I'm blogging right now.
You know what's more ridiculous? I think about having sushi, because it seems so great and it's so expensive, I'm stuck eating fast food. The homeless guy 20 minutes from here wishes he could just have what I ate at Braum's because it's a warm meal and it's so expensive for him, but he's stuck eating PBJ everyday. The average kid in the outskirts of Sudan doesn't even know what PBJ tastes like, much less anything clean, he's stuck eating rations. The rest of the world, they just don't even know when they'll eat next.
WE ARE SO RICH. If you are reading this- YOU ARE RICH. I always say how poor I am and how I have to go coupon clip and how I barely have enough money for gas. I'M RICH. This is what rappers must feel like everyday.
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"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." mark10:25
a camel can't even fit into the eye of a giant needle. But seriously, Jesus says it like it is and that scares me.
- Do I realize how rich I actually am?
- How much do I rely on that?
So I guess this has many, many parts:
- Being rich on earth is a temporary and ultimately shabby thing. (Proverbs23:4,23:5, 27:24, 28:6, 28:22, Ecclesiastes5:8 and a bajillion more)It's like the the poor not even understanding the wealth that exists on the other side of the world.
- Rich people, be careful. Don't get trapped. The hierarchy is going to flip on you when you die. (James1:10, 1Corinthians4:8, Luke6:24, 8:14, 12:21, James1:11, 2:5-6, 5:1)
- 1Timothy6:9
- If you're rich: do good, be generous, share , and take no pride in your position. (1Tim6:17-18)
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The point is, we are rich. So you've got a whole new can o' worms if you're listening to what Jesus is saying. I know this might sound damning, but that's not my heart at all- it's just a sobering thing for me to realize today, and the urgency of really seeing where my heart is has just shot up to the sky. With so many things we have- is God really everything and worth giving up all you have (Luke 19:1-9), or is He just one of the many activities and gods you give yourself away to? I feel like my life points to the second- and that is killing me. Talk to Jesus. I'll be doing alot of that this week whilst eating that PBJ.
11/4/09
Sketches, Sleeplessness, Switchfoot 6:14 PM
For some reason, I haven't been able to sleep well for the last 2 weeks. My dreams are always extremely stressful, so much so that lately they have been more stressful than real life. Which I guess is good since it makes life seem much easier to deal with. That being said, here's some trippy drawings I did on my lack of good sleep:
It's a weird thing that's been happening to me lately. I'd rather be awake just because my dreams are so full of the drama and problems I don't want to deal with in real life. Maybe I'm reading too much into it (but probably not), but it seems like since I don't want to think about this stuff when I'm awake, it just comes to life in my sleep.
On the up-side, I feel alot more fearless when I'm awake, because compared to dreaming, real life isn't as scary anymore. It's kind of like sleep and being awake switched places. Weird.
Switchfoot is coming out with their new album, Hello Hurricane, on November 10th. I didn't dig Oh! Gravity very much, but the new album is some good stuff. It reminds me of the old Switchfoot I really loved, when it didn't sound like they had anything to prove. It's earnest, un-apologetically honest and actually very encouraging to listen to. I've been singing the title track of this CD for a few days now, and it's one of the few things keeping me sane. Listen to it, it really speaks about seeing your circumstances in a different light.
Also, I've been trying to get into some community work, specifically with the homeless. I've re-discovered that I am really selfish and/or prideful;
It's times like these when you wonder what your faith is really made of, if it's man-made or if it's genuine. I don't feel conscious 90% of the time, but I've been Hello Hurricane-ing to remind myself that my circumstances don't ultimately dictate my identity, worth or future.
BTW, here's a good article to read; if you're not a Christian, it will give you a more concrete idea of what biblical belief is, and if you are a Christian, you should probably read this because you may find that your belief may not actually be biblical. It's something to wrestle with and a good jumping off point.
So, if you know of any good places to do some social work, or are part of something already, let me know. In the meantime, order Hello Hurricane, live and sleep fearlessly, read that article, trust Jesus.
It's a weird thing that's been happening to me lately. I'd rather be awake just because my dreams are so full of the drama and problems I don't want to deal with in real life. Maybe I'm reading too much into it (but probably not), but it seems like since I don't want to think about this stuff when I'm awake, it just comes to life in my sleep. On the up-side, I feel alot more fearless when I'm awake, because compared to dreaming, real life isn't as scary anymore. It's kind of like sleep and being awake switched places. Weird.
Switchfoot is coming out with their new album, Hello Hurricane, on November 10th. I didn't dig Oh! Gravity very much, but the new album is some good stuff. It reminds me of the old Switchfoot I really loved, when it didn't sound like they had anything to prove. It's earnest, un-apologetically honest and actually very encouraging to listen to. I've been singing the title track of this CD for a few days now, and it's one of the few things keeping me sane. Listen to it, it really speaks about seeing your circumstances in a different light.Also, I've been trying to get into some community work, specifically with the homeless. I've re-discovered that I am really selfish and/or prideful;
- I think my work is super valuable
- Therefore, I don't need to be part of building relationships (a side-rant about doing 'good'- building relationships is what lasts and will let you see what's really going on vs. just doing stuff often ends up being a means to merely feeling good about yourself. Not that doing stuff is bad.)
It's times like these when you wonder what your faith is really made of, if it's man-made or if it's genuine. I don't feel conscious 90% of the time, but I've been Hello Hurricane-ing to remind myself that my circumstances don't ultimately dictate my identity, worth or future.
BTW, here's a good article to read; if you're not a Christian, it will give you a more concrete idea of what biblical belief is, and if you are a Christian, you should probably read this because you may find that your belief may not actually be biblical. It's something to wrestle with and a good jumping off point.
So, if you know of any good places to do some social work, or are part of something already, let me know. In the meantime, order Hello Hurricane, live and sleep fearlessly, read that article, trust Jesus.