8/27/10
7/27/10
Cynic 2:25 AM
For the longest time, I've always considered myself a cynic, and I don't think I ever felt that it was wrong to be. It seemed to me that being cynical was merely being realistic about how everything and everyone is corrupted and sinful. Even our best is never good enough.
The strangest thing for me has been that as I'm trying to be more honest, the more I find myself expressing cynicism, usually about people's motives. I can assume the worst, and that's normal for me. Does being cynical really have a place in the heart of someone who follows Jesus Christ? I guess it doesn't.
It's easy to tell a million people on the internet how I feel, but it's difficult business when it's between people. In the last year or two, I feel like the effects of being cynical about people is taking a toll on how I interact with everyone, even my closest friends. I can say something accusatory without even trying to be. I keep feeling like if I am going to be completely honest, all you will hear is how I doubt the good in anyone. It's true right?
I'm breaking some silence only because I feel as if this is something that I wish wasn't such a deep and prevailing part of me, and I hope that whoever is reading won't end up falling into it either. I always hated the 'be a better you' and 'you are great' crap from some preachers, because I just knew it wasn't true. But in short, the more God is showing me about sanctification and how He works in his people- the less room there is for my brand of 'realism'.
To see things as they truly are; I see that everything is corrupt, and ultimately, in everything in and about myself. Any good I do or say is stained immeasurably with sin, and the older I get, the more I see that, the deeper I realize it is. My sin is increasingly obvious and I know now (and will know even more later) that I can do nothing at all. No amount of effort or self-confidence boosting can change that reality, can change the gravity of it.
It returns me to Jesus... who really reminds and represents the apex of human depravity. His life and execution proves that people do not in fact, have an ounce of goodness in themselves. That people would curse and hate God himself when he was with them, while he extended love and acceptance for them. For us. Jesus makes it resolutely clear that man does not have a righteous bone in his body.
That's the tension though. Jesus being our sacrifice is really the 'wisdom of God' himself. The whole plan exposes the reality that people are indeed corrupt to no end, but if it doesn't leave you in awe of the craziness of God's love, then you have missed the point. I'm saying that because I think I have missed the point.
I'm not saying that the 'feel-good' brand of preaching is correct, in fact I remain intensely against it, because it is a false, self-worshipping, therapeutic security. I am saying that cynicism can't take up any space when we are focused on Jesus, though. Am I remaining at the death of Christ, and forgetting that he conquered not just his physical execution, but the complete depravity and sinfulness of everyone? He is above it and is stronger than that. The realization stands true, but the truth of Jesus conquering that bottomless sin should be producing a different kind of expression from me. Joy? Definitely not cynicism. I keep finding myself stuck at that place, in anger and frustration that everyone along with myself would be so evil. But Jesus resurrecting…
What all apostles write about is the kindness and love shown to everyone. Grace is paramount because Christ demonstrated it fully. Commands to not gossip, judge and to backslide are soaked into every apostle's writings, and are expected to be evident in believers. Jesus himself continually demonstrated and taught to show kindness and unconditional love, and uncompromising truth. To be real with God and to come to him. The tension has always existed for me here, because while I knew that I needed to be characterized by these qualities, I rarely felt that sort of compassion or grace within me, even as I did 'ministry'- even with my closest friends. The tension between the truth of our depravity and the truth of Jesus being lived out through and in believers, evidenced by how they lived and how they loved.
Learning more about God's sovereignty, or how he knows all and is in control of all- I'm being shown that cynicism has no place in how I ought to view others. 'He himself will perfect you' is stated and restated throughout Isaiah ( the book I'm currently going through) and in the apostle's letters. When Jesus prayed that 'they would be one as we are one', he continues to intercede for us now. The fact that God alone is the 'author and perfecter' of our faith, that we can take no credit in how much we've grown in our relationship with Christ- shows that God has done it, and will perfect the faith of the believer until the end. His sovereignty.
There is no room for my cynicism when I see these things. When I think about how Jesus Christ paid completely the cost to 'bring many sons to glory', that tension still exists. The price is way too high for me to even begin imagining it. When I see the transformation in my life and in the lives of my friends, I can't be a cynic because if I am, my eyes are still focused on imperfect people, not the perfection of Jesus Christ. In some respect I could even be expressing that my sin is actually too heavy for Jesus! It's ridiculous, but that's the struggle. It's a strange self-deprecating/others-deprecating pride. I am falsely under the impression that my sin is too great, so when I see another's, my judgement is on them. It gives me some false security, a measuring stick if you will. Instead, the only measure should be Jesus Christ's perfection, perfectly conquering sin, his grace perfectly covering us. Meaning that when I see you or myself, I need to be remembering that Jesus himself is interceding for us, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, that to the Father, because of Jesus Christ, we are blameless on the day of judgement; and the judgement that God himself gives- that is true justice. It blows my mind to think of how Jesus is the full demonstration of God's justice!
The issue is not so much whether I am assuming the worst in people or assuming the best in people. Instead, it is fully grace, fully loving, fully just… when I look at Jesus Christ. The fullness. If he himself really defines you and me, then both the cynic and optimist need to change the focus. When I see you, even if I feel wronged, am I seeing what Christ has done for and within you and me? Am I completely relying and believing in his complete perfection in justice, instead of creating my own measuring stick of justice? Jesus really is all. It is insane to me that he promises to perfect those who belong to him. How is that supposed to change the way I view sin? The way I encourage people?
I honestly do not know how that looks like in real life, in my life. And that's where a cynic with a blog post ends. Now to live that.
The strangest thing for me has been that as I'm trying to be more honest, the more I find myself expressing cynicism, usually about people's motives. I can assume the worst, and that's normal for me. Does being cynical really have a place in the heart of someone who follows Jesus Christ? I guess it doesn't.
It's easy to tell a million people on the internet how I feel, but it's difficult business when it's between people. In the last year or two, I feel like the effects of being cynical about people is taking a toll on how I interact with everyone, even my closest friends. I can say something accusatory without even trying to be. I keep feeling like if I am going to be completely honest, all you will hear is how I doubt the good in anyone. It's true right?
I'm breaking some silence only because I feel as if this is something that I wish wasn't such a deep and prevailing part of me, and I hope that whoever is reading won't end up falling into it either. I always hated the 'be a better you' and 'you are great' crap from some preachers, because I just knew it wasn't true. But in short, the more God is showing me about sanctification and how He works in his people- the less room there is for my brand of 'realism'.
To see things as they truly are; I see that everything is corrupt, and ultimately, in everything in and about myself. Any good I do or say is stained immeasurably with sin, and the older I get, the more I see that, the deeper I realize it is. My sin is increasingly obvious and I know now (and will know even more later) that I can do nothing at all. No amount of effort or self-confidence boosting can change that reality, can change the gravity of it.
It returns me to Jesus... who really reminds and represents the apex of human depravity. His life and execution proves that people do not in fact, have an ounce of goodness in themselves. That people would curse and hate God himself when he was with them, while he extended love and acceptance for them. For us. Jesus makes it resolutely clear that man does not have a righteous bone in his body.
That's the tension though. Jesus being our sacrifice is really the 'wisdom of God' himself. The whole plan exposes the reality that people are indeed corrupt to no end, but if it doesn't leave you in awe of the craziness of God's love, then you have missed the point. I'm saying that because I think I have missed the point.
I'm not saying that the 'feel-good' brand of preaching is correct, in fact I remain intensely against it, because it is a false, self-worshipping, therapeutic security. I am saying that cynicism can't take up any space when we are focused on Jesus, though. Am I remaining at the death of Christ, and forgetting that he conquered not just his physical execution, but the complete depravity and sinfulness of everyone? He is above it and is stronger than that. The realization stands true, but the truth of Jesus conquering that bottomless sin should be producing a different kind of expression from me. Joy? Definitely not cynicism. I keep finding myself stuck at that place, in anger and frustration that everyone along with myself would be so evil. But Jesus resurrecting…
What all apostles write about is the kindness and love shown to everyone. Grace is paramount because Christ demonstrated it fully. Commands to not gossip, judge and to backslide are soaked into every apostle's writings, and are expected to be evident in believers. Jesus himself continually demonstrated and taught to show kindness and unconditional love, and uncompromising truth. To be real with God and to come to him. The tension has always existed for me here, because while I knew that I needed to be characterized by these qualities, I rarely felt that sort of compassion or grace within me, even as I did 'ministry'- even with my closest friends. The tension between the truth of our depravity and the truth of Jesus being lived out through and in believers, evidenced by how they lived and how they loved.
Learning more about God's sovereignty, or how he knows all and is in control of all- I'm being shown that cynicism has no place in how I ought to view others. 'He himself will perfect you' is stated and restated throughout Isaiah ( the book I'm currently going through) and in the apostle's letters. When Jesus prayed that 'they would be one as we are one', he continues to intercede for us now. The fact that God alone is the 'author and perfecter' of our faith, that we can take no credit in how much we've grown in our relationship with Christ- shows that God has done it, and will perfect the faith of the believer until the end. His sovereignty.
There is no room for my cynicism when I see these things. When I think about how Jesus Christ paid completely the cost to 'bring many sons to glory', that tension still exists. The price is way too high for me to even begin imagining it. When I see the transformation in my life and in the lives of my friends, I can't be a cynic because if I am, my eyes are still focused on imperfect people, not the perfection of Jesus Christ. In some respect I could even be expressing that my sin is actually too heavy for Jesus! It's ridiculous, but that's the struggle. It's a strange self-deprecating/others-deprecating pride. I am falsely under the impression that my sin is too great, so when I see another's, my judgement is on them. It gives me some false security, a measuring stick if you will. Instead, the only measure should be Jesus Christ's perfection, perfectly conquering sin, his grace perfectly covering us. Meaning that when I see you or myself, I need to be remembering that Jesus himself is interceding for us, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, that to the Father, because of Jesus Christ, we are blameless on the day of judgement; and the judgement that God himself gives- that is true justice. It blows my mind to think of how Jesus is the full demonstration of God's justice!
The issue is not so much whether I am assuming the worst in people or assuming the best in people. Instead, it is fully grace, fully loving, fully just… when I look at Jesus Christ. The fullness. If he himself really defines you and me, then both the cynic and optimist need to change the focus. When I see you, even if I feel wronged, am I seeing what Christ has done for and within you and me? Am I completely relying and believing in his complete perfection in justice, instead of creating my own measuring stick of justice? Jesus really is all. It is insane to me that he promises to perfect those who belong to him. How is that supposed to change the way I view sin? The way I encourage people?
I honestly do not know how that looks like in real life, in my life. And that's where a cynic with a blog post ends. Now to live that.
5/8/10
Reach 5:59 PM
I've been listening to the song, "Cielo" by Phil Wickham and the chorus goes "I can't lift my hands high enough, when I'm reaching for you, my God". I'm not sure if this is what Phil intended, but today, I realized that line is very terrifying for me. I think it's easy to romanticize statements of unreachability and the inability to understand God, but honestly, it scares me.
It's more like "I can't lift my hands high enough!$#$%$ I can't life my hands high enough!@#@$@#% When I'm reaching for you, my God!!$@#%@#". To me, it sucks that I can't reach high enough.
I feel like an accurate picture of college for me is me reaching more and more for God every year, trying harder to know Him. I'm in no way discrediting reaching out for God, I actually see that as evidence that God is working in a heart. But I will make a confession that may seem cliche and obvious to many, but is painful for me;
To know everything of God is impossible. I think it leads me to want to understand his infinite sovereign will, and instead of leading me to be in awe, it ends up making me feel hopeless. I can't reach Him, I can't attain him. I can't reach high enough. I know in my head that I should be in wonder of him, but for me, I feel that much further.
I think that's the difference between trying to know God and being known by Him. It's a very scary thing to try to know him because the more you know, the more you realize your lack of goodness. In other words, the more you try to know God, deeper and greater you realize your sin is. It shows alot of yourself, so much so that many times, I just don't want to know any more about my self. Funny that the culture stresses knowing and pleasing yourself so much, but that's a different story.
So now, to know that God himself knows you... what kind of reaction do I have? It tastes like a kind of freedom that just wasn't there before. Maybe that's what worship is.
I treat God as if he is some anomaly that I can figure out to my satisfaction. Now it's very obvious to me that it is never-ending. I can never know infinity. Living it out further complicates things. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to understand something, stuff happens and all of the sudden, your whole concept of what you thought you had grasped is way deeper than what you first thought. Me and an old childhood friend meet up every few months and every time we meet, our general consensus is; 'wow, we thought we understood last time. We had no idea how little we knew." That's every time we meet up. It's a constant re-realization of how much we don't know.
I must be known. Being a follower of Jesus feels impossible if you don't know for sure that he loves you. The difference between focusing on who God is to me and who I am to God.
It is a circular struggle that I suppose will keep happening over and over until I die. All this talk of surrender, belief, righteousness etc. is all good- but it's meaning is diminished in the end of the day if I don't actually trust and believe that God- who gives me my worth- loves me and desires that I be with Him. How much we must grieve him by keeping him at bay when He's made the way for us to freely and fully be with him (Hebrews 10:22). I must be known because left to my own strength- I can't reach high enough. But God has already reached down to us (SO CLICHE BUT SO, SO TRUE).
It is a weird feeling. I've spent my whole life reaching to him, yet I overlook that simple fact; That while we were still his enemies, Jesus died for us. He made a way, he did the reaching. It used to be that we had to be completely obedient (the old covenant) in order to even have his presence. Jesus became that obedience in a sense with the new covenant (Jeremiah 31:31) and now we have this insanely complete and open way to God.
If I learned anything in the last 23 years, it has to be the single fact that I couldn't reach him. But I can't reach high enough, I can't sing loud enough or long enough.. because Jesus has done it. God, help me learn to be in awe of that for the next 23.
It's more like "I can't lift my hands high enough!$#$%$ I can't life my hands high enough!@#@$@#% When I'm reaching for you, my God!!$@#%@#". To me, it sucks that I can't reach high enough.
I feel like an accurate picture of college for me is me reaching more and more for God every year, trying harder to know Him. I'm in no way discrediting reaching out for God, I actually see that as evidence that God is working in a heart. But I will make a confession that may seem cliche and obvious to many, but is painful for me;
To know everything of God is impossible. I think it leads me to want to understand his infinite sovereign will, and instead of leading me to be in awe, it ends up making me feel hopeless. I can't reach Him, I can't attain him. I can't reach high enough. I know in my head that I should be in wonder of him, but for me, I feel that much further.
I think that's the difference between trying to know God and being known by Him. It's a very scary thing to try to know him because the more you know, the more you realize your lack of goodness. In other words, the more you try to know God, deeper and greater you realize your sin is. It shows alot of yourself, so much so that many times, I just don't want to know any more about my self. Funny that the culture stresses knowing and pleasing yourself so much, but that's a different story.
So now, to know that God himself knows you... what kind of reaction do I have? It tastes like a kind of freedom that just wasn't there before. Maybe that's what worship is.
I treat God as if he is some anomaly that I can figure out to my satisfaction. Now it's very obvious to me that it is never-ending. I can never know infinity. Living it out further complicates things. Every time I feel like I'm beginning to understand something, stuff happens and all of the sudden, your whole concept of what you thought you had grasped is way deeper than what you first thought. Me and an old childhood friend meet up every few months and every time we meet, our general consensus is; 'wow, we thought we understood last time. We had no idea how little we knew." That's every time we meet up. It's a constant re-realization of how much we don't know.
I must be known. Being a follower of Jesus feels impossible if you don't know for sure that he loves you. The difference between focusing on who God is to me and who I am to God.
It is a circular struggle that I suppose will keep happening over and over until I die. All this talk of surrender, belief, righteousness etc. is all good- but it's meaning is diminished in the end of the day if I don't actually trust and believe that God- who gives me my worth- loves me and desires that I be with Him. How much we must grieve him by keeping him at bay when He's made the way for us to freely and fully be with him (Hebrews 10:22). I must be known because left to my own strength- I can't reach high enough. But God has already reached down to us (SO CLICHE BUT SO, SO TRUE).
It is a weird feeling. I've spent my whole life reaching to him, yet I overlook that simple fact; That while we were still his enemies, Jesus died for us. He made a way, he did the reaching. It used to be that we had to be completely obedient (the old covenant) in order to even have his presence. Jesus became that obedience in a sense with the new covenant (Jeremiah 31:31) and now we have this insanely complete and open way to God.
"And no longer shall each one teach his neighboar and each his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more"I guess reaching out for God means something different then, doesn't it? I've spent my whole self trying to reach for him because in the core of my mind, I believed that I could attain him. But I can't. But now, I reach because he has already reached out and finished the saving. Jesus accomplished the obedience that used to be required of us, and was crushed to make it final.
If I learned anything in the last 23 years, it has to be the single fact that I couldn't reach him. But I can't reach high enough, I can't sing loud enough or long enough.. because Jesus has done it. God, help me learn to be in awe of that for the next 23.
5/6/10
Next? 3:44 PM
It's more like a punch in the gut when I realize that a part of my life is coming to an end. It used to be that whenever I finished a grade or finished a school, it'd mean me going to another school or another grade. This time there's no more school, no more grades to pass. All that structure is done with.
What kind of change is supposed to happen after all of this? My entire, very short life, has been made up entirely of school and now it's all done (for now). I don't know what life is apart from this pattern. It's such a weird feeling because I have very little real context for what things should be like. I guess being an only child doesn't help either.
It lines up with much more important things, like what it means to follow Jesus now. I think I've grown exponentially in the last 5 years compared to the rest of it before. It's weird to think that 5 or 10 years from now I'll be saying the same thing about where I am compared to college.
College (at least for me) was never about doing well at a particular class, but it taught me how to learn. Actually, more than that, it gave me an environment where I found out what I was made of. Sometimes I used it as a means to define or distract myself, but I guess that's the human tendency to idolize and feed off of environment. I can't say my college career was that stellar, nor did I accomplish what I dreamed I would. But I know myself better than I did a few years ago. I know what I actually care about and what I don't. I'm finding out what makes me tick and what my real motivations are.
I don't have much processed right now, but something that is very apparent to me today is not just how much I need God, but how much I should want Him. I think it's easier to say that God is a necessity rather than He is everything I want. I know more now than I did 5 years ago, or heck, even last week, that I need him. I know that because everyday, I realize that in the lens of being holy, I've got nothing in myself. To quote a friend, 'my realization of how sinful I am is a continually growing void'. But I think that in a bigger way, I am seeing, if only a little, that the things I want are cheap toys and replacements for God. The older I get the more I see that everyone actually wants God, or something like him, but whether or not they actually will go to him is a different story.
It's easy for me to be in love with the little moments I had here, to hold onto what things were like. But I suppose it can't remain a crutch or comfort for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, with this spiel nor with what happens next.
What kind of change is supposed to happen after all of this? My entire, very short life, has been made up entirely of school and now it's all done (for now). I don't know what life is apart from this pattern. It's such a weird feeling because I have very little real context for what things should be like. I guess being an only child doesn't help either.
It lines up with much more important things, like what it means to follow Jesus now. I think I've grown exponentially in the last 5 years compared to the rest of it before. It's weird to think that 5 or 10 years from now I'll be saying the same thing about where I am compared to college.
College (at least for me) was never about doing well at a particular class, but it taught me how to learn. Actually, more than that, it gave me an environment where I found out what I was made of. Sometimes I used it as a means to define or distract myself, but I guess that's the human tendency to idolize and feed off of environment. I can't say my college career was that stellar, nor did I accomplish what I dreamed I would. But I know myself better than I did a few years ago. I know what I actually care about and what I don't. I'm finding out what makes me tick and what my real motivations are.
I don't have much processed right now, but something that is very apparent to me today is not just how much I need God, but how much I should want Him. I think it's easier to say that God is a necessity rather than He is everything I want. I know more now than I did 5 years ago, or heck, even last week, that I need him. I know that because everyday, I realize that in the lens of being holy, I've got nothing in myself. To quote a friend, 'my realization of how sinful I am is a continually growing void'. But I think that in a bigger way, I am seeing, if only a little, that the things I want are cheap toys and replacements for God. The older I get the more I see that everyone actually wants God, or something like him, but whether or not they actually will go to him is a different story.
It's easy for me to be in love with the little moments I had here, to hold onto what things were like. But I suppose it can't remain a crutch or comfort for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, with this spiel nor with what happens next.
4/26/10
1:33 3:33 PM
Posting my wordy journal entry in hopes that God uses my struggle to encourage and/or challenge.
Today I'm seeing that I can't keep trying to abstain to avoid acts of unrighteousness/pursue acts of righteousness. But once those barriers I place to keep myself from sinning are lifted, even for a little while, I give in to temptation to lust, pride or whatever.
Maybe it's like Chan (Forgotten God) says, I'm reliant on wisdom, discipline- not the Holy Spirit. In fact, I am seeing very clearly that I can't achieve it anyways! My pursuit of God is outweighed by my desire for other things to fill/satisfy me because even in my pursuit of God, I am not trusting and relying on Him.
My pursuit of God must be reliance on Him. I believe that my relationship and intimacy with God depends on my own ability.
God, it must be you- that I am not remaining in my immaturity and my lukewarmeness, my legalism and belief in my own ability- I have to believe that. God, I am wretched. I am so sinful and it keeps becoming more and more apparent. Even right now I'm distracted and my mind is on a million things other than you.
I have to admit- no, confess- that I do not live by your strength- I strive for you and things of you on my own- it doesn't make any sense. To reach out for you- to attain holiness by myself. Reaching for you without you reaching to me. My life is marked with my work- and that's all.
It's always been work. What I can do to reach you, to deserve something, even if it's just a little. What I'm unable to do- and getting stuck on how inadequate I am.
I am lustful for what earth can give me. I thirst for it because I am not satisfied by You. I cheapen You by relying on my discipline to maintain our relationship. How short-sighted and self-focused.
Woe to me... one who has heard your word, who has been exposed to your goodness and glory, yet I still choose to rely and worship myself! Acting as if earth is the closest I'll get to heaven!
My thirst is for you- but my reliance on myself only leads me to sin- because I can't hope in myself. It always fails. My flesh is only capable of evil things because it's corrupt. If I place hope on myself to reconcile it - I can't! How can corruption salvage corruption?
I always felt strange that my life was not marked by persevering joy... I seek you by my own means, my own strength. It's an endless and fruitless cycle. It's by my own work. I am well aware that I am unable to make right what is wrong in me and around me. I am aware of who powerless I am. Yet my actions show a much different belief- a weird hope in what I know in my head- I can't hope in.
It's a sad life- to hope with your flesh, while understanding all the while that it leads to nothing. I try and try to work that away, in hopes that I will reach purpose and fulfillment beyond what I'm bound to. But even the way I go about it perpetuates my sad faith in myself... increasingly so.
God I feel like you are whittling away at my stubbornness. How can I know all these things- and then not live it out? My life is not marked by love for You. It is not marked by security in you- hope in you. My actions are in hopes of fulfilling myself within this 'Christian' subculture and that's it. All the while wondering why something that I've been taught will satisfy me... doesn't.
You do not satisfy me.. because I won't give up myself- I won't relent and release my grip. Even in that statement I want to be able to do something about it. There is no switch- at least not from what I see in your word. It just is? God I need you. I have to give up. It is so frustrating to keep returning- to keep being refined this way. I suppose that in the end, I worship myself. In my supposed pursuit of you, I end up hoping in myself. I trust and rely on myself to make things right.
I've felt okay before- but can I really attribute it to God? Not to say he hasn't worked in my life- but when I am "doing well" it's generally accredited to my practice of something I've learned, a skill or certain nugget of wisdom I've picked up.
Faith in You- all the while dodging You. I feel the futility in it all. Relying on You, purely and completely is something that is foreign to me. I realize that I've treated You as a supplement to my own happiness instead of my being my king. One of many reasons to have purpose instead of my Savior and my God.
Even now, I want to do something to remedy it quickly, yet I can do nothing. Now- at least in this moment- I know I can't do anything. To just accept all You are.. to lay down my skill, talent, whatever, to consider them as 'filthy rags'- to go to you as helpless as I was when I was born.
It's all I can do. Ever. I have fooled myself by my work- taking what you have given me, to worship myself.
Help me not to be frozen in fear, to wallow in this- but to be freed by it. To be freed by the work of Jesus- being refined by the Holy Spirit. May I be marked by your power alone.
4/6/10
3/24/10
Tension and Becoming Who You Are 4:56 PM
.:Read 1 and 2 Peter- Letters from an apostle who knew he was going to die soon, crazy impactful:.
There's always that tension between living in grace, where we're completely forgiven, and doing good, which I constantly fail at. When it's about grace, I tend to neglect doing anything- and when I focus of doing good, I get very legalistic and judgmental, even at myself because I'm just not a good person.
The only thing I can conclude lately is from a mushy mixture of trying to figure out God's will, what that even means, my own inability to do good, His grace, yet God's commands that his believers do good, yet having complete dependence, while resting on the fact that he saves me absolutely.
After bible-ing like crazy, it seems like the real challenge is becoming who you are. I think John Piper explains it way more comprehensively here. What makes me really think about this tension is in 2 Peter 2:20-22 where Peter talks about being re-entangled by sin even when you're a believer. All I can gather from everything is that being saved is 2 parts: one is believing and being secure that God has chosen you and that your identity is completely in him and not in anything good or bad you do. But the other part is troubling for me- 'putting on the new self' (Colossians 3:10). I feel like I really neglect this point to the degree I never think about it. What good is it to believe you are free, when you keep serving the same master you were freed from?
It sucks to think that as a leader (btw I think everyone who's a believer is in some ways a leader)- if I'm continually cheating in class or stealing music or continually giving into lustful thoughts and prnography (in case you have a filter lol), I'm actually still serving the 'old master'. It's not even a matter of ignorance, it's willful dilution of sin. Despite the truth that Jesus has conquered my sin, I keep living as though I was never freed in the first place. I start cheapening my costly blood-bought freedom by only using it to make me feel better about the consequences of my wrong.
In the end, it's not even just willful decisions to sin or not to sin, but it ends up that the outpour from your heart is the bottom line of sinfulness- and that's the true source of sinfulness ( Matthew 15:19)- which we can't really willfully change. It's a Holy Spirit thing. And I guess that's what it means to 'put on the new self' and becoming who you are.
I'm starting to be convicted of the things I willfully do against God, the salvation I willfully cheapen; but I guess that in the end, these are all only the outpour of our sinful insides. So 'putting on the new self' is not only and merely a willful putting off of wrongs, it's asking and depending on the Holy Spirit to lead you to Christ- and to let that be the thing that puts on the true 'new self' so that your outpour is real and good. It's easy to measure spiritual success by saying that I have put off these bad things I do, and then I will judge you by what you have and haven't put to death. But that can't be it- it has to be that we need to deal with the core- the heart where everything pours out from. It's not just putting on a new shirt, it's asking God to put his change in you, something we can't do. Bleh, now to live that out.
There's always that tension between living in grace, where we're completely forgiven, and doing good, which I constantly fail at. When it's about grace, I tend to neglect doing anything- and when I focus of doing good, I get very legalistic and judgmental, even at myself because I'm just not a good person.
The only thing I can conclude lately is from a mushy mixture of trying to figure out God's will, what that even means, my own inability to do good, His grace, yet God's commands that his believers do good, yet having complete dependence, while resting on the fact that he saves me absolutely.
After bible-ing like crazy, it seems like the real challenge is becoming who you are. I think John Piper explains it way more comprehensively here. What makes me really think about this tension is in 2 Peter 2:20-22 where Peter talks about being re-entangled by sin even when you're a believer. All I can gather from everything is that being saved is 2 parts: one is believing and being secure that God has chosen you and that your identity is completely in him and not in anything good or bad you do. But the other part is troubling for me- 'putting on the new self' (Colossians 3:10). I feel like I really neglect this point to the degree I never think about it. What good is it to believe you are free, when you keep serving the same master you were freed from?
It sucks to think that as a leader (btw I think everyone who's a believer is in some ways a leader)- if I'm continually cheating in class or stealing music or continually giving into lustful thoughts and prnography (in case you have a filter lol), I'm actually still serving the 'old master'. It's not even a matter of ignorance, it's willful dilution of sin. Despite the truth that Jesus has conquered my sin, I keep living as though I was never freed in the first place. I start cheapening my costly blood-bought freedom by only using it to make me feel better about the consequences of my wrong.
In the end, it's not even just willful decisions to sin or not to sin, but it ends up that the outpour from your heart is the bottom line of sinfulness- and that's the true source of sinfulness ( Matthew 15:19)- which we can't really willfully change. It's a Holy Spirit thing. And I guess that's what it means to 'put on the new self' and becoming who you are.
I'm starting to be convicted of the things I willfully do against God, the salvation I willfully cheapen; but I guess that in the end, these are all only the outpour of our sinful insides. So 'putting on the new self' is not only and merely a willful putting off of wrongs, it's asking and depending on the Holy Spirit to lead you to Christ- and to let that be the thing that puts on the true 'new self' so that your outpour is real and good. It's easy to measure spiritual success by saying that I have put off these bad things I do, and then I will judge you by what you have and haven't put to death. But that can't be it- it has to be that we need to deal with the core- the heart where everything pours out from. It's not just putting on a new shirt, it's asking God to put his change in you, something we can't do. Bleh, now to live that out.