A whole lot of nothing

I've been wanting to write, but I can't find enough words- my post would be something like those cryptic one-word posts that nobody actually knows what it means but it seems super deep. 

When I pray it feels like there's not much to say. When people ask me about how I'm doing, I can't seem to express it- it's just me explaining what I'm explaining now. 

Right now, I'm realizing that maybe, I've spent most of my time talking at God, or serving at God, or learning at God. It's very self-focused (even right now, I'm focusing on myself). It tires a brotha out. I wonder if this is what is referred to as being 'spiritually obese'- where you are packed chock-full of sermons, quotable quips, applicable song lyrics and self-justifying work ethic. Always having an answer, but never knowing what you're saying. I feel like that. 

So now I keep finding myself wanting to just be; just sitting there and trying to shut up, to stop bingeing on sermons and books and KLTY (blech btw. sorry I'm a hater (come on, they play 'the climb')) - maybe it's like eating a ton and never exercising. Or is it like exercising alot and never playing the game? Another weird thing is that I've been wanting to take the 'Mark Driscoll method' of learning- reading the entire bible and seeing what it says about whatever it is you have a question about . I think about Ephesians 4:14 or James 1:5-7 . Whenever I read a good book/hear a convicting thing, I'm like "YEAH SO CONVICTING" and then I'll read some other book/hear something convicting and be like "WOW SO CONVICTING" and it's just me being tornado'd around by different poignant talking points. Man, even right now, I may be doing that to you hahahaahha

From talking to people about their growth- I have returned once again to the same thing. You've got to be real with God. He sees through all of your knowledge and He sees what's really going on, so don't trick yourself into believing that you're fine just because you finished a John Piper book and have understood some rich theology (good books btw). The lack of depth you feel with other people around you probably means that you need to start looking at what your depth is with God himself instead of trying to binge on serving or whatever it is you do that helps you sleep at night. 

It sounds harsh, I'm saying 'you' alot, but I actually am just talking about me- I just feel like there's got to be someone out there on the blogosphere who needs to return to God himself and to be completely affirmed and satisfied and real. If I can't be real with God who sees who I am regardless- how do I expect to do anything really. 

I write alot for someone who says he has nothing to write about. I'm not trying to be super philosophical or anything, I don't want to just add to the noise of what we're being bombarded with. Do you lack love/patience/grace/direction/balbhablblahb/everything? Stop looking for things to do, and return to what's happening between you and God. There's probably beef- or.. a whole lot of nothing.