Tension and Becoming Who You Are 4:56 PM

.:Read 1 and 2 Peter- Letters from an apostle who knew he was going to die soon, crazy impactful:.

There's always that tension between living in grace, where we're completely forgiven, and doing good, which I constantly fail at. When it's about grace, I tend to neglect doing anything- and when I focus of doing good, I get very legalistic and judgmental, even at myself because I'm just not a good person.
The only thing I can conclude lately is from a mushy mixture of trying to figure out God's will, what that even means, my own inability to do good, His grace, yet God's commands that his believers do good, yet having complete dependence, while resting on the fact that he saves me absolutely.
After bible-ing like crazy, it seems like the real challenge is becoming who you are. I think John Piper explains it way more comprehensively here. What makes me really think about this tension is in 2 Peter 2:20-22 where Peter talks about being re-entangled by sin even when you're a believer. All I can gather from everything is that being saved is 2 parts: one is believing and being secure that God has chosen you and that your identity is completely in him and not in anything good or bad you do. But the other part is troubling for me- 'putting on the new self' (Colossians 3:10). I feel like I really neglect this point to the degree I never think about it. What good is it to believe you are free, when you keep serving the same master you were freed from?
It sucks to think that as a leader (btw I think everyone who's a believer is in some ways a leader)- if I'm continually cheating in class or stealing music or continually giving into lustful thoughts and prnography (in case you have a filter lol), I'm actually still serving the 'old master'. It's not even a matter of ignorance, it's willful dilution of sin. Despite the truth that Jesus has conquered my sin, I keep living as though I was never freed in the first place. I start cheapening my costly blood-bought freedom by only using it to make me feel better about the consequences of my wrong.
In the end, it's not even just willful decisions to sin or not to sin, but it ends up that the outpour from your heart is the bottom line of sinfulness- and that's the true source of sinfulness ( Matthew 15:19)- which we can't really willfully change. It's a Holy Spirit thing. And I guess that's what it means to  'put on the new self' and becoming who you are.

I'm starting to be convicted of the things I willfully do against God, the salvation I willfully cheapen; but I guess that in the end, these are all only the outpour of our sinful insides. So 'putting on the new self' is not only and merely a willful putting off of wrongs, it's asking and depending on the Holy Spirit to lead you to Christ- and to let that be the thing that puts on the true 'new self' so that your outpour is real and good. It's easy to measure spiritual success by saying that I have put off these bad things I do, and then I will judge you by what you have and haven't put to death. But that can't be it- it has to be that we need to deal with the core- the heart where everything pours out from. It's not just putting on a new shirt, it's asking God to put his change in you, something we can't do. Bleh, now to live that out.

Escape vs Embrace 12:27 AM

Been reading Habakkuk, which means 'embrace', so I've been thinking about that word all day. I was also posed with the question- if we could go to heaven where all of our troubles would be gone, we could enjoy everything, be free of sickness and grief- would I be satisfied? I would be able to finally escape all of the things in this world that lets me down or messes with my happiness. I answered with a pretty sure yes. But then the question became, 'would you even need Jesus?' Oh man.
It's easy to think about heaven being the place where we can finally escape this place and be free of everything that sucks- but how often do you think about it being the place where you can finally be with Jesus, face to face? It almost seems less enticing, honestly.
It leads me to see how much I want what God can offer me rather than just wanting God himself, only- and that being way more than enough. Every time something gets difficult, my first response always has something to do with wanting God to remove me from it. And if I'm feeling extra holy (sarcasm)- I'll ask him to help me slavishly endure my terrible time.
It's so natural to want the escape, the relief- but it's so hard to actually want to, and to actually embrace, or take hold of Jesus. In 2 Corinthians 4:17 I wonder if the 'eternal glory that outweighs' is Jesus himself. It doesn't make sense that the outweighing eternal glory is just an everlasting sunny weather and void of problems. Sounds kind of like retirement. We are called co-heirs (Romans 8:17) to rule alongside Jesus- 'to share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory'; that doesn't sound at all like what the typical idea of heaven is.
Honestly, I don't actually want to embrace God, I just want to escape hell.  I even need God to help me want him. Think about it.

A whole lot of nothing 5:31 PM

I've been wanting to write, but I can't find enough words- my post would be something like those cryptic one-word posts that nobody actually knows what it means but it seems super deep. 

When I pray it feels like there's not much to say. When people ask me about how I'm doing, I can't seem to express it- it's just me explaining what I'm explaining now. 

Right now, I'm realizing that maybe, I've spent most of my time talking at God, or serving at God, or learning at God. It's very self-focused (even right now, I'm focusing on myself). It tires a brotha out. I wonder if this is what is referred to as being 'spiritually obese'- where you are packed chock-full of sermons, quotable quips, applicable song lyrics and self-justifying work ethic. Always having an answer, but never knowing what you're saying. I feel like that. 

So now I keep finding myself wanting to just be; just sitting there and trying to shut up, to stop bingeing on sermons and books and KLTY (blech btw. sorry I'm a hater (come on, they play 'the climb')) - maybe it's like eating a ton and never exercising. Or is it like exercising alot and never playing the game? Another weird thing is that I've been wanting to take the 'Mark Driscoll method' of learning- reading the entire bible and seeing what it says about whatever it is you have a question about . I think about Ephesians 4:14 or James 1:5-7 . Whenever I read a good book/hear a convicting thing, I'm like "YEAH SO CONVICTING" and then I'll read some other book/hear something convicting and be like "WOW SO CONVICTING" and it's just me being tornado'd around by different poignant talking points. Man, even right now, I may be doing that to you hahahaahha

From talking to people about their growth- I have returned once again to the same thing. You've got to be real with God. He sees through all of your knowledge and He sees what's really going on, so don't trick yourself into believing that you're fine just because you finished a John Piper book and have understood some rich theology (good books btw). The lack of depth you feel with other people around you probably means that you need to start looking at what your depth is with God himself instead of trying to binge on serving or whatever it is you do that helps you sleep at night. 

It sounds harsh, I'm saying 'you' alot, but I actually am just talking about me- I just feel like there's got to be someone out there on the blogosphere who needs to return to God himself and to be completely affirmed and satisfied and real. If I can't be real with God who sees who I am regardless- how do I expect to do anything really. 

I write alot for someone who says he has nothing to write about. I'm not trying to be super philosophical or anything, I don't want to just add to the noise of what we're being bombarded with. Do you lack love/patience/grace/direction/balbhablblahb/everything? Stop looking for things to do, and return to what's happening between you and God. There's probably beef- or.. a whole lot of nothing.