Next?

It's more like a punch in the gut when I realize that a part of my life is coming to an end. It used to be that whenever I finished a grade or finished a school, it'd mean me going to another school or another grade. This time there's no more school, no more grades to pass. All that structure is done with.
What kind of change is supposed to happen after all of this? My entire, very short life, has been made up entirely of school and now it's all done (for now). I don't know what life is apart from this pattern. It's such a weird feeling because I have very little real context for what things should be like. I guess being an only child doesn't help either.
It lines up with much more important things, like what it means to follow Jesus now. I think I've grown exponentially in the last 5 years compared to the rest of it before. It's weird to think that 5 or 10 years from now I'll be saying the same thing about where I am compared to college.

 College (at least for me) was never about doing well at a particular class, but it taught me how to learn. Actually, more than that, it gave me an environment where I found out what I was made of. Sometimes I used it as a means to define or distract myself, but I guess that's the human tendency to idolize and feed off of environment. I can't say my college career was that stellar, nor did I accomplish what I dreamed I would. But  I know myself better than I did a few years ago. I know what I actually care about and what I don't. I'm finding out what makes me tick and what my real motivations are.

I don't have much processed right now, but something that is very apparent to me today is not just how much I need God, but how much I should want Him. I think it's easier to say that God is a necessity rather than He is everything I want. I know more now than I did 5 years ago, or heck, even last week, that I need him. I know that because everyday, I realize that in the lens of being holy, I've got nothing in myself. To quote a friend, 'my realization of how sinful I am is a continually growing void'. But I think that in a bigger way, I am seeing, if only a little, that the things I want are cheap toys and replacements for God. The older I get the more I see that everyone actually wants God, or something like him, but whether or not they actually will go to him is a different story.

It's easy for me to be in love with the little moments I had here, to hold onto what things were like. But I suppose it can't remain a crutch or comfort for me. I don't really know where I'm going with this, with this spiel nor with what happens next.