I talked to an old friend a few nights ago- and it ended with us concluding that we've come to the point where we know for certain that we have absolutely no power to do anything- we can't do good by God. It's easy to say that our sin is unacceptable- but to think that even our best is objectively, 'filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6) feels hopeless. Our concluding statement was something along the lines of- 'if God didn't decide to have us, we would be completely and hopelessly screwed'.
I've been trying to endure, to be patient, to obey without question, to 'bear fruit'- because I know they are all part of what God wants of us. I have been doing a whole lot, serving in every way I can. I end up feeling overburdened and dry- and lately, even bitter- and the day ends with me seeing no worth in anything I worked at. My endurance feels more like a pointless and purposeless wait.
But today, I finally was put in a position where I had to be alone, without much responsibility (even though I tried to find things to do). I ended up just saying, 'okay God I give up, I need to just be with you'. I frustratingly wrote out a bunch of stuff that ended up sounding suspiciously like Psalm 51. At some point I looked up the word 'joy' in the bible and more than 200 hits came up and i just started reading through all of them. At that point it just broke me because I started seeing that God actually wants us to be joyful. In fact, our toil without joy is worthless to him (Deuteronomy 28:46-48).
I have been understanding more and more that God is doing everything- heart-breaking, encouraging and everything in between, for our good because he loves us and knows us more than we know ourselves. He sees the big picture. But what I just can't understand is why I don't feel anything. Why do I feel complete emptiness- just holding out for the day I'll find out why. But joy... I can't believe that God of everything- requires of me to have joy. Joyless toil, while knowing that God has been working for your good all along- doesn't make much sense (but it happens alot). Even crazier is that if this is what pleases God, our joy is part of him being glorified. It's not a selfish thing- in fact, it is the very thing that brings him glory. Joy in pain, joy in goodness. Joyful even in losing (Hebrews 10:34). 'Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting' (Psalm 126:5). When Jesus went to be crushed on the cross for us- people who didn't merit it- he 'endured for the joy set before him' (Hebrews 12:2).
I actually don't know what that feels like. It's not even completely formed in my mind and my insides. But right now- I feel free for the first time in a long time.
3 comments:
praise God for freedom and for learning. thanks for sharing.
one thing i ask of the Lord, this is what i seek: that i may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. [psalm 27:4]
and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. for those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. [romans 8:28-29]
no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. [hebrews 12:11]
Praying for you bro!
I'm always here. I'm not going to say I know exactly how you're feeling, but at least I can offer a listening ear. I don't have any answers, but I can still pray for you.
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