My Portion

 I've been constantly thinking about what it means for God to be my portion (psalm 73:26) , which means the "chosen share". 

The last month and a half has been showing me how little of my 'relationship w/ God' is actually a relationship with God. Alot of things keep causing tension in me. My dad came to really believe in Jesus a few weeks ago- but now he's depressed. Sonya's going through a difficult transition. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself- I don't even know what I want. And when I'm not worried about those things, I keep worrying about friends around me who just don't seem to care about walking with Jesus. 

I think at some point, I believed that life was supposed to look a certain way when I follow Jesus. I think it's some cookie-cutter shaped life that I need to somehow achieve. It's like I've traded just being with God for good principles. It's so much easier to cling to a principle when things aren't going your way and you feel desperate. I keep trying to attain some strange picture of "christian" perfection but I can't live up to that. Then I feel bad but I keep trying to tough it out by saying that I will try harder, "because it's worth it". So I reach up- but it's way easier to reach up to a good rule rather than reaching to God himself. Like when I'm impatient I'll think, "God's timing, Daniel", but I don't actually go to him. It's easier Isn't it?

I feel like if i were to read what I'm writing, I'd instantly be like, "God works for the good of those who love him". What does that even mean? Do I even think about what I'm saying? What difference does it make for me to try to live a good life? What difference does it make for me to 'live by good principles'?  How is that any different than a Buddhist, Muslim or Atheist who says the same thing? 

It all sounds very textbook- the "it's about relationship, not religion!" spiel. But I can't find a drug to make me well. I was up til 3 am one night and my phone was broken, the internet was filtered up, and I had nothing to do. It drove me nuts. I wanted anything but to sit down and pray, to crack open that Bible. I started eating stuff, I started walking around, moving things around- I felt like I was going crazy. I knew nothing was going to satisfy me- but I just couldn't get myself to be satisfied by God. I knew it would, but I didn't want it. I just wanted my fix. I wanted to get that christian buzz of doing something foolish and then go crying back to Jesus. I wanted to feel something, even if it was bad. I had to feel like I either did something good or bad enough to give me good enough reason to come to Jesus. 

Do you ever live your whole day, maybe it was full of meaning, and then when you go to bed, you still feel empty? I can meet up with 3 or 4 people, do a quiet time, pray my ass off and lead worship at church- and mean all of it, be refreshed by all of it- yet go home and lay in my bed wondering why I can't be satisfied. You know what I've found? At the core of it, my christianity is just another way for me to get a fix. It's another way for me to feel something I really long for. It sucks to say, but I think I don't want God himself. 

If there were no consequences to my actions, would I still abstain from sinning? If time I spent encouraging people didn't feel so rewarding, would I still do it? If reconciling with a friend didn't give me closure would I still be okay? 

Nothing is fulfilling. Nothing is satisfying. I'm helpless to change anything. Then I hear him say

"Apart from me

You can do nothing."

How many things do I do- even "christian" things- apart from God? If I'm being honest right now- it's most of it. Why do things feel daunting or overly complex and unreachable? Because at some point I decided to take on something-  apart from God. What good is principle? What good is Intervarsity or church or quiet time or community or accountability or care or questions or verses? They mean something- but I'm starting to think think that I've removed them from God, I've substituted Jesus with reading or serving or meeting or singing. I can honestly say with certainty that all of these things are great-only when it's goal is to help us come to Jesus himself. It's crazy that I can know and recite and spew God's word as "encouragement" and refuse to come to God to have life. Read John 5:39-40 . 

Even when my heart doesn't hold up, even when my body gives out- when it all fails me, what is the strength of my heart? What is sustaining me? It's like I ask God for some muscle and then run off and try to change the world with my own blood fueling me. But I can't, it always fails. I can actually say it with certainty now. God has to be the strength of my heart pumping. He has to be my portion. My reward- what I want the most. If not, I guess it just makes me an addict to things that will end up killing me, including the things I 'do for God'. 

I know someone's going to say, 'well, remember that just because your motives weren't always right, God still used you'. Yeah, I believe that. God would be weak if he didn't. It gives me confidence that he would do such a thing- making my mess into goodness. I'm simply saying that apart from God, I literally cannot do anything. This may be redundant and sunday school sounding, but I don't really care because it's true. Jesus is my worth- even if I couldn't do anything worthwhile with my life. God is what I really want in the end, but my flesh fails by telling me that I want what it wants. The emptiness of everything is real. To put my hope in what I can't see is really my only hope. If I'm putting my hope in anything else at all, I'm just straight-up lying to myself. Hope seen, is not hope at all (Romans 8:24). 

I still hope because I know it's not in vain. If God is the one who makes us grow, all we can (and should) do is remain in him (John 15:7). Just to be with him and to trust and know Him. I know there's stuff that happens next- like straining for what's ahead (Philippians 3:13). I suppose I'm doing that now.