I talked to an old friend a few nights ago- and it ended with us concluding that we've come to the point where we know for certain that we have absolutely no power to do anything- we can't do good by God. It's easy to say that our sin is unacceptable- but to think that even our best is objectively, 'filthy rags' (Isaiah 64:6) feels hopeless. Our concluding statement was something along the lines of- 'if God didn't decide to have us, we would be completely and hopelessly screwed'.
I've been trying to endure, to be patient, to obey without question, to 'bear fruit'- because I know they are all part of what God wants of us. I have been doing a whole lot, serving in every way I can. I end up feeling overburdened and dry- and lately, even bitter- and the day ends with me seeing no worth in anything I worked at. My endurance feels more like a pointless and purposeless wait.
But today, I finally was put in a position where I had to be alone, without much responsibility (even though I tried to find things to do). I ended up just saying, 'okay God I give up, I need to just be with you'. I frustratingly wrote out a bunch of stuff that ended up sounding suspiciously like Psalm 51. At some point I looked up the word 'joy' in the bible and more than 200 hits came up and i just started reading through all of them. At that point it just broke me because I started seeing that God actually wants us to be joyful. In fact, our toil without joy is worthless to him (Deuteronomy 28:46-48).
I have been understanding more and more that God is doing everything- heart-breaking, encouraging and everything in between, for our good because he loves us and knows us more than we know ourselves. He sees the big picture. But what I just can't understand is why I don't feel anything. Why do I feel complete emptiness- just holding out for the day I'll find out why. But joy... I can't believe that God of everything- requires of me to have joy. Joyless toil, while knowing that God has been working for your good all along- doesn't make much sense (but it happens alot). Even crazier is that if this is what pleases God, our joy is part of him being glorified. It's not a selfish thing- in fact, it is the very thing that brings him glory. Joy in pain, joy in goodness. Joyful even in losing (Hebrews 10:34). 'Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting' (Psalm 126:5). When Jesus went to be crushed on the cross for us- people who didn't merit it- he 'endured for the joy set before him' (Hebrews 12:2).
I actually don't know what that feels like. It's not even completely formed in my mind and my insides. But right now- I feel free for the first time in a long time.
