Where the Wild Things Are 5:12 PM

journal 6:18 PM

Don't really know what to write. Honestly, it feels like I'm kind of at a standstill. I've retyped out a journal entry from Sunday, which is the true followup to last time's blog. I only added some parenthetical things to clarify some parts ( it's even formatted the same in my journal)- I just want to reach back 3 days ago and remember what I felt and said
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Sunday 1:22 am, Nov 15th

God chose to love us before we were born- knowing all we would do against him (Romans 8:29-30). "Predestined" has a whole different gravity to it.

The more we understand our sinfulness-(the growing severity of our real self)- the more joy, because we know His love is that much greater. This is what he took upon himself on that cross- and the more we realize the intensity of our sin (the more that it's shown to us)- the more we understand what Jesus had to bear.

Waiting to get fed- after talking to Ly and Nate- and even Sonya- I'm coming to the reality that we won't always have the accountability we want (though it's no less important) and we wish we had that accountability or certain kind of commitment. But why not be that? God help me commit to these guys.

Letting go: "Give God space"
I am not God- nor am I meant to live as if I am, to dictate as if I am and to be frustrated as if I am. I think I'm understanding more of what Ly is saying when he says that sometimes you just have to let be, even if it's not what you want (to see happen).

I hold on- I get dejected when I feel like my words, my kindness or service comes back empty; when a friend doesn't respond in the way I know they should.

But I'm not God. I get discouraged because I feel like my words and actions are the important thing. No, but it's God who changes a person, not us. Not me. None of my cleverness, or foolishness will drive a person either way- it's God working through his people, regardless of their method because in the end, our best is even "like filthy rags", objectively. God has chosen to love before, and has also chosen to use us before- (all the while already) knowing our weakness, knowing our sinfulness.

Going downtown made me understand for myself that it's not this system of good work. I think in my mind, I never stopped putting certain things on pedestals. This being one of them.

Long story short- I realize that it's quite meaningless apart form God- It's really all about God working through his people- not about how effective our works are on their own.

It's like how if my art is criticized, I get demoralized, but when it's praised, I don't feel good anyways. I look for that which I know won't give me what I really thirst for in the end. 

Back at the beginning, know God. Being intimate with Him, is all the worth to your work. It's more where He calls us, rather than what actions we feel to be nobler per se.

There is freedom there. It's freeing when we realize that we aren't God, nor are we meant to be. It is humbling to realize that God has already done for us, has already saved us, loved us- "while we were yet sinners"
There is no way douchebaggery can last under that kind of grace, this love.

Oh God. Thank you. Help move words to motion in me. That this love you've shown me (and keep showing me more) is spilled out. Help me be fearlessly abandoned to you. I have hope. Because I know You.
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PBJ and Being Rich 2:18 AM

Some of my friends go downtown to give food to the homeless, which consists of a loaf of bread, peanut butter and easy-squeeze jelly. Me and Pat went today and got the same because we decided we would do the same. I felt that if I was going to give this to someone, I personally had to know what it felt like to eat that for a week straight. I also wanted to know what it was like to not being able to buy food.

I'm only sharing this because I'm already realizing what a ridiculous thing all of this is.
We had that PBJ and then I suddenly wanted some Starbucks, I smelled La Madeleine, I wanted some Braum's. I wanted to get something savory. I didn't realize how easy it was for me to just buy whatever I wanted. All of the sudden, I start appreciating the luxury of eating whatever, whenever you want. It's dumb because I've only had one PBJ. I guess the thought of having to eat only that had already started taking over my mind. Then the ridiculousness of it struck me.

I have a car. I have clothes. I can wash them whenever I want. I can take a shower whenever I want, how many times I want. I can brush my teeth. I have a Macbook. My mom still 'forces' breakfast upon me (which I now appreciate). I have a cell phone. And this is all while I'm on my Righteous PBJ Fast. Heck, I'm blogging right now.

You know what's more ridiculous? I think about having sushi, because it seems so great and it's so expensive, I'm stuck eating fast food. The homeless guy 20 minutes from here wishes he could just have what I ate at Braum's because it's a warm meal and it's so expensive for him, but he's stuck eating PBJ everyday. The average kid in the outskirts of Sudan doesn't even know what PBJ tastes like, much less anything clean, he's stuck eating rations. The rest of the world, they just don't even know when they'll eat next.

WE ARE SO RICH. If you are reading this- YOU ARE RICH. I always say how poor I am and how I have to go coupon clip and how I barely have enough money for gas. I'M RICH. This is what rappers must feel like everyday.

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"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." mark10:25

(hahah just to clarify)

a camel can't even fit into the eye of a giant needle. But seriously, Jesus says it like it is and that scares me.

1. Do I realize how rich I actually am?
2. How much do I rely on that?

It's something shocking when you get a tiny taste of how much you have compared to the rest of the world. When I take something away as simple as not being able to buy the type of food I want, it's easy to see how much I relied on that. I'm writhing in suffering as I'm still driving a car, taking showers, hanging out with friends and having clean water everywhere.

So I guess this has many, many parts:

• Being rich on earth is a temporary and ultimately shabby thing. (Proverbs23:4,23:5, 27:24, 28:6, 28:22, Ecclesiastes5:8 and a bajillion more)It's like the the poor not even understanding the wealth that exists on the other side of the world.
• Rich people, be careful. Don't get trapped. The hierarchy is going to flip on you when you die. (James1:10, 1Corinthians4:8, Luke6:24, 8:14, 12:21, James1:11, 2:5-6, 5:1)
  
• 1Timothy6:9
  
• If you're rich: do good, be generous, share , and take no pride in your position. (1Tim6:17-18)

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The point is, we are rich. 
So you've got a whole new can o' worms if you're listening to what Jesus is saying. I know this might sound damning, but that's not my heart at all- it's just a sobering thing for me to realize today, and the urgency of really seeing where my heart is has just shot up to the sky. With so many things we have- is God really everything and worth giving up all you have (Luke 19:1-9), or is He just one of the many activities and gods you give yourself away to? I feel like my life points to the second- and that is killing me. Talk to Jesus. I'll be doing alot of that this week whilst eating that PBJ.

Sketches, Sleeplessness, Switchfoot 6:14 PM

For some reason, I haven't been able to sleep well for the last 2 weeks. My dreams are always extremely stressful, so much so that lately they have been more stressful than real life. Which I guess is good since it makes life seem much easier to deal with. That being said, here's some trippy drawings I did on my lack of good sleep:

It's a weird thing that's been happening to me lately. I'd rather be awake just because my dreams are so full of the drama and problems I don't want to deal with in real life. Maybe I'm reading too much into it (but probably not), but it seems like since I don't want to think about this stuff when I'm awake, it just comes to life in my sleep.
On the up-side, I feel alot more fearless when I'm awake, because compared to dreaming, real life isn't as scary anymore. It's kind of like sleep and being awake switched places. Weird.

Switchfoot is coming out with their new album, Hello Hurricane, on November 10th. I didn't dig Oh! Gravity very much, but the new album is some good stuff. It reminds me of the old Switchfoot I really loved, when it didn't sound like they had anything to prove. It's earnest, un-apologetically honest and actually very encouraging to listen to. I've been singing the title track of this CD for a few days now, and it's one of the few things keeping me sane. Listen to it, it really speaks about seeing your circumstances in a different light.

Also, I've been trying to get into some community work, specifically with the homeless. I've re-discovered that I am really selfish and/or prideful;

1. I think my work is super valuable
2. Therefore,  I don't need to be part of building relationships                                                        (a side-rant about doing 'good'- building relationships is what lasts and will let you see what's really going on vs. just doing stuff often ends up being a means to merely feeling good about yourself. Not that doing stuff is bad.)

And do we really believe that we can out-good ourselves? Can we really fix the world? Knowing myself and people in general, I really don't think so. But that's a different spiel.

It's times like these when you wonder what your faith is really made of, if it's man-made or if it's genuine. I don't feel conscious 90% of the time, but I've been Hello Hurricane-ing to remind myself that my circumstances don't ultimately dictate my identity, worth or future.

BTW, here's a good article to read; if you're not a Christian, it will give you a more concrete idea of what biblical belief is, and if you are a Christian, you should probably read this because you may find that your belief may not actually be biblical. It's something to wrestle with and a good jumping off point.



So, if you know of any good places to do some social work, or are part of something already, let me know. In the meantime, order Hello Hurricane,  live and sleep fearlessly, read that article, trust Jesus.

new song and vid! 3:59 PM

new video! I decided to make it part of a series of footage I shoot in my super-senior year, so it's kind of like a video memoir thang. I was trying to get down good pacing, because I've never been good at it. What's neat is that I'm finding out that it's better when I work between different mediums. For this vid, I just rummaged through my video clips and put them together after listening to John Mayer's 'Who Says' and then after I put it together, a song popped in my head and I quickly recorded the song you hear in this video so I wouldn't forget it. Let me know what you think!

disconnect 7:44 PM

Hebrews 11:24-26 By faith Moses,when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward.

 When I'm honest and look at what I consider treasure, Paul's statement is a swift kick to my spiritual nads. How much of myself do I give to 'passing pleasure'? What value do I give to them, vs. the 'reproach of Christ'? 

It blows my mind to think about the contrast between pleasure of sin and reproach of following Jesus. Paul says plainly that even suffering for and with Jesus is considered a greater richness than the greatest wealth on earth. What explodes my mind even more is to think about how it really is still about the greater richness, the greater pleasure; not just a choice between living a pious and sucky life vs living in awesome earthly debauchery. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that in the Bible, God and all his people are saying that the greatest pleasure you perceive on earth is nothing compared to knowing and being with the God of the universe- so much so that even the worst and most painful suffering for Jesus is actually better than the most awesome pleasure the world has to offer to you. 

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Now the question is, do I actually trust God that He is who he says he is- that he loves us, that he doesn't actually want people to go to hell (ezekial33) that he wants all people to be restored to him, and that he has what is actually best for us- because he made us and knows us even better than we know ourselves (ps139)? It's Christianese- but when you have to ask yourself what do you actually believe to be true and what do you live by- it's a whole different kind of question. 

I'm writing this because I have to ask myself this. It's easy to spout out things like this and to feel good about spewing wisdom, but it's not about that. I have to reconcile this in my mind and my heart because lately- I don't see the connection. 

Christian, ask yourself, after saying what I believe, where does my life speak about my belief? Is it evident to people that God is my ultimate reward, more than all things or all pursuits here? Is it evident in what I think about most of the time, what I talk about, my motives for things? In the end, do you really believe the things you say, read or hear about who you are and who God is, and about who Jesus is and what he's done?

I can't say I'm in a good place right now, i have to ask these uncomfortable and important questions to myself. In the end of my life and I'm before God, will He say, "hey welcome home" or "hey who are you, i don't know you" despite everything I tried to do to make things right in my life. 

It has to begin with seeing what God says is truly treasure and what is truly pleasure vs what your world says those things are- then seeing what you really believe to be true. I can tell you when i look at myself, the evidence points towards me pursuing and valuing what the world can give to me as the true treasure, when what I say is contrary. People like me are why Atheists feel justified in their belief. As much as a hedonist revels and consumes himself in what he finds to be his ultimate pleasure, people who belong to Christ have to in an even greater way pursue the reward that is Jesus- a way where people will say; "wow, they really think Jesus is the greatest and truest pleasure, even moreso than what I consider to be the greatest treasure" 

God, I need you to make that change in me. Help me to walk by the fact that Jesus is ultimate- that it's only by him that I can be with you; and that in the days i have left- help me to really understand and pursue that relationship that this is the true and greatest pleasure and pursuit in my short life. Help me to see the things I've read, to believe knowing you and being with you is the only thing that matters in this life. Help me walk by that, live by that. Make that evident. I'm tired of saying all these Christian things (which are true), but in reality living for and believing in 'passing pleasure'. 

remembering: psalms + phone wallpaper 3:58 AM

^{A big challenge for me is remembering. Remembering God's character, how good he is. Just take a minute to read the words of this song/psalm.}

Psalm 147

¹ Praise the LORD.
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

² The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.

³ He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

⁴ He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
⁵ Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
⁶ The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

⁷ Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.

⁸ He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.

⁹ He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.

¹⁰ His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;

¹¹ the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

¹² Extol the LORD, O Jerusalem;
praise your God, O Zion,

¹³ for he strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.

¹⁴ He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.
¹⁵ He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
¹⁶ He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.
¹⁷ He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?
¹⁸ He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
¹⁹ He has revealed his word to Jacob,
his laws and decrees to Israel.

²⁰ He has done this for no other nation;
they do not know his laws.
Praise the LORD.

I always forget, but when i read this, i remember. The terrifyingly powerful God of the universe is the same one who heals the broken-hearted.
~
here are my problems:

1. i suck at memorizing the bible (i'm a visual learner)
2. i spend alot of time on the phone/computer
3. i start focusing on my circumstances

The worst thing is when i begin to lose focus on Jesus- and I start focusing on my situation and he is just not in my mind anymore. it doesn't help that i've made my phone and computer a constant distraction for me (which is also why i started blogging).

So today, i'm trying this out and sharing it; a verse wallpaper that you can put on your phone so you can always look at it to help you memorize. It's the beginning part of the above psalm.

(iphone users, hold down on image and it'll ask you if you want to save)

i love how this psalm uses such powerful imagery with nature, so i wanted to capture that in the design. I'm gonna see if this helps me keep His word in my mind.
download it and use it too!

remember who God is, what He's done.

blobby things:maybe a new series? 1:49 PM

  Trying out a different drawing style, minimal/a little abstract, i think i may do a shirt series with these blobby characters

Also, I'm trying out a new mac app called DrawBerry . it's FREE but it's actually really good for a simple vector program. It's got layers, HUD interface (i am a sucker for that) and i may use this instead of illustrator for awhile- check it out. Trying to learn vectors so i can make some threadless submissions. anyone have good tips on vector drawing?

and let me know what you think of these blobby things!

lame intro + lame panoramic 4:03 AM

update: new panoramic

'if you're color blind- you probably shouldn't be taking color photography" 
 just finished panoramic photo hw; photography's something i hope to get better at. there's something magical about capturing that one split second in time.

shot this in a really gross and shady parking garage close to my house. if you didn't catch the tweet, a cat fell out of the ceiling while i was shooting hahaha

usually i'd have an agenda for something like this, which i used to do alot, but this time i won't make a grand statement of purpose. i'm using this as a way to really get my hands dirty with design and video in particular, maybe music too. mix it all into my relationship with Jesus and you have a picture of what it's sposed to be.hope you enjoy coming along with me