Bear with me

I feel a very deep disconnect lately. It's weird how I can know alot yet it mean very little to me, even though in my mind, I 'know' how theology and intimacy should be connected.

It's hard to surrender to the fact that there is the truth of what you can see and the overarching truth of what God defines it as. At some point, I keep defaulting back to what I can see.

It seems that God is in control of everything, whether it's seemingly good or bad. In some ways, the theology makes sense, but it doesn't jive with what I want. For instance, if God is ultimately in control, then are we just like caged birds (C.S. Lewis)? Maybe we're supposed to be like that, and maybe it doesn't carry the same kind of meaning. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding that the more I know of God, the more our love should grow for Him right? I don't think that I'm finding God untrue or unreasonable- I'm just finding that I don't have much  love for the things God does in myself. I'm understanding the Atheist rejection of faith, in that I often feel the tension between my own reason and God's reason. But I'm seeing that the 'rejection of faith' is only a rejection of the person of God. He's not unreasonable, untrue, unjust  or unloving. It's just that we don't want to accept his reason, truth, justice or love. 

It's ridiculous to think that I can out-reason or out-love God. An objective look at the state of the world should make you a pessimist. I guess the hard part is finding everything you are in God only, because what you see can't give you hope at all.

I'm coming off of a peak of what I'll call the "Identity Gospel" where I tell myself and others that it's about who they are in God, and that what they do right or wrong has no bearing on their identity in Christ. But I start looking at myself and it's objectively not what I believe my identity to be. But to put hope in what we don't see. Hm. 

How do you get out of your own head, and start being with God? I've been spending alot of time serving, pondering, reading (John Piper!), but it doesn't feel like it's bring me any closer than I was before. How does David delight in the law? How does he find his rest in God so readily? How did the prophets cope with their reality? I feel like I know the answers on paper, but it's not really cutting it. The more complete of a picture I get of God, the more I realize that in the end, I'm just not in agreement with Him. I don't struggle so much with why He puts me in circumstances, but moreso that I don't agree with the way he does things. I guess it really is only the spirit can really bring that to light. Yeah, there's no way I can think my way out of this one. I was hoping that finding out more about God would create greater intimacy. I guess it sets it up well, because now that I have a better idea of who God is; wrathful, just, loving, fierce, jealous, patient, completely sovereign- I have a better idea of where I really stand. It's easy for me to jive with the identity thing to a certain degree, because it's all about my limited understanding of what love is. But the complete picture of God moving everything in this crazy cosmic yet intimate way- it's bringing out the truth that I rely on what I want God to be, not necessarily who He actually is. I want him to only be my comfort, but not my discipline. I only want him to be patient, but not one to push me. It seems like I only desire God to the degree of what I expect from my idea of justice, love and desire. That's probably why I keep going to other things, because I'm only seeking the Jesus I want him to be, not the Jesus he is. Hm.