Posting my wordy journal entry in hopes that God uses my struggle to encourage and/or challenge.
Today I'm seeing that I can't keep trying to abstain to avoid acts of unrighteousness/pursue acts of righteousness. But once those barriers I place to keep myself from sinning are lifted, even for a little while, I give in to temptation to lust, pride or whatever.
Maybe it's like Chan (Forgotten God) says, I'm reliant on wisdom, discipline- not the Holy Spirit. In fact, I am seeing very clearly that I can't achieve it anyways! My pursuit of God is outweighed by my desire for other things to fill/satisfy me because even in my pursuit of God, I am not trusting and relying on Him.
My pursuit of God must be reliance on Him. I believe that my relationship and intimacy with God depends on my own ability.
God, it must be you- that I am not remaining in my immaturity and my lukewarmeness, my legalism and belief in my own ability- I have to believe that. God, I am wretched. I am so sinful and it keeps becoming more and more apparent. Even right now I'm distracted and my mind is on a million things other than you.
I have to admit- no, confess- that I do not live by your strength- I strive for you and things of you on my own- it doesn't make any sense. To reach out for you- to attain holiness by myself. Reaching for you without you reaching to me. My life is marked with my work- and that's all.
It's always been work. What I can do to reach you, to deserve something, even if it's just a little. What I'm unable to do- and getting stuck on how inadequate I am.
I am lustful for what earth can give me. I thirst for it because I am not satisfied by You. I cheapen You by relying on my discipline to maintain our relationship. How short-sighted and self-focused.
Woe to me... one who has heard your word, who has been exposed to your goodness and glory, yet I still choose to rely and worship myself! Acting as if earth is the closest I'll get to heaven!
My thirst is for you- but my reliance on myself only leads me to sin- because I can't hope in myself. It always fails. My flesh is only capable of evil things because it's corrupt. If I place hope on myself to reconcile it - I can't! How can corruption salvage corruption?
I always felt strange that my life was not marked by persevering joy... I seek you by my own means, my own strength. It's an endless and fruitless cycle. It's by my own work. I am well aware that I am unable to make right what is wrong in me and around me. I am aware of who powerless I am. Yet my actions show a much different belief- a weird hope in what I know in my head- I can't hope in.
It's a sad life- to hope with your flesh, while understanding all the while that it leads to nothing. I try and try to work that away, in hopes that I will reach purpose and fulfillment beyond what I'm bound to. But even the way I go about it perpetuates my sad faith in myself... increasingly so.
God I feel like you are whittling away at my stubbornness. How can I know all these things- and then not live it out? My life is not marked by love for You. It is not marked by security in you- hope in you. My actions are in hopes of fulfilling myself within this 'Christian' subculture and that's it. All the while wondering why something that I've been taught will satisfy me... doesn't.
You do not satisfy me.. because I won't give up myself- I won't relent and release my grip. Even in that statement I want to be able to do something about it. There is no switch- at least not from what I see in your word. It just is? God I need you. I have to give up. It is so frustrating to keep returning- to keep being refined this way. I suppose that in the end, I worship myself. In my supposed pursuit of you, I end up hoping in myself. I trust and rely on myself to make things right.
I've felt okay before- but can I really attribute it to God? Not to say he hasn't worked in my life- but when I am "doing well" it's generally accredited to my practice of something I've learned, a skill or certain nugget of wisdom I've picked up.
Faith in You- all the while dodging You. I feel the futility in it all. Relying on You, purely and completely is something that is foreign to me. I realize that I've treated You as a supplement to my own happiness instead of my being my king. One of many reasons to have purpose instead of my Savior and my God.
Even now, I want to do something to remedy it quickly, yet I can do nothing. Now- at least in this moment- I know I can't do anything. To just accept all You are.. to lay down my skill, talent, whatever, to consider them as 'filthy rags'- to go to you as helpless as I was when I was born.
It's all I can do. Ever. I have fooled myself by my work- taking what you have given me, to worship myself.
Help me not to be frozen in fear, to wallow in this- but to be freed by it. To be freed by the work of Jesus- being refined by the Holy Spirit. May I be marked by your power alone.
