Bear with me 12:56 PM

I feel a very deep disconnect lately. It's weird how I can know alot yet it mean very little to me, even though in my mind, I 'know' how theology and intimacy should be connected.

It's hard to surrender to the fact that there is the truth of what you can see and the overarching truth of what God defines it as. At some point, I keep defaulting back to what I can see.

It seems that God is in control of everything, whether it's seemingly good or bad. In some ways, the theology makes sense, but it doesn't jive with what I want. For instance, if God is ultimately in control, then are we just like caged birds (C.S. Lewis)? Maybe we're supposed to be like that, and maybe it doesn't carry the same kind of meaning. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding that the more I know of God, the more our love should grow for Him right? I don't think that I'm finding God untrue or unreasonable- I'm just finding that I don't have much  love for the things God does in myself. I'm understanding the Atheist rejection of faith, in that I often feel the tension between my own reason and God's reason. But I'm seeing that the 'rejection of faith' is only a rejection of the person of God. He's not unreasonable, untrue, unjust  or unloving. It's just that we don't want to accept his reason, truth, justice or love. 

It's ridiculous to think that I can out-reason or out-love God. An objective look at the state of the world should make you a pessimist. I guess the hard part is finding everything you are in God only, because what you see can't give you hope at all.

I'm coming off of a peak of what I'll call the "Identity Gospel" where I tell myself and others that it's about who they are in God, and that what they do right or wrong has no bearing on their identity in Christ. But I start looking at myself and it's objectively not what I believe my identity to be. But to put hope in what we don't see. Hm. 

How do you get out of your own head, and start being with God? I've been spending alot of time serving, pondering, reading (John Piper!), but it doesn't feel like it's bring me any closer than I was before. How does David delight in the law? How does he find his rest in God so readily? How did the prophets cope with their reality? I feel like I know the answers on paper, but it's not really cutting it. The more complete of a picture I get of God, the more I realize that in the end, I'm just not in agreement with Him. I don't struggle so much with why He puts me in circumstances, but moreso that I don't agree with the way he does things. I guess it really is only the spirit can really bring that to light. Yeah, there's no way I can think my way out of this one. I was hoping that finding out more about God would create greater intimacy. I guess it sets it up well, because now that I have a better idea of who God is; wrathful, just, loving, fierce, jealous, patient, completely sovereign- I have a better idea of where I really stand. It's easy for me to jive with the identity thing to a certain degree, because it's all about my limited understanding of what love is. But the complete picture of God moving everything in this crazy cosmic yet intimate way- it's bringing out the truth that I rely on what I want God to be, not necessarily who He actually is. I want him to only be my comfort, but not my discipline. I only want him to be patient, but not one to push me. It seems like I only desire God to the degree of what I expect from my idea of justice, love and desire. That's probably why I keep going to other things, because I'm only seeking the Jesus I want him to be, not the Jesus he is. Hm.

simple 2:24 AM

After alot of questions, it seems like I'm back to the beginning where it was never really about the hard questions. It's a matter of going to God with everything, even if I don't know everything. Learning to trust Him, knowing that he's going to keep perfecting me until I leave.

I don't think I'm really doing this any justice but I needed to put it down somewhere before I forgot. It's so simple, that I almost can't accept it. That I go to God in confidence with anything, whether it's immature, flawed or confused- knowing that he will keep growing me, giving worth to my work, and a growing understanding of who he is. That I don't have to be perfect before I go to God. I don't have to appear behaviorally 'christian' before I go to him.

I suppose that with time, we will truly follow him and know him more and be motivated by him rather than our other desires- more than now. And it's progressive and continual. I just need to come to him and be with him. How did I ever expect to learn from God at a distance if it was always about us being reconciled to him? If it was always about knowing him, desiring him? I think about me and Sonya, how it had to start honestly with seemingly immature and 'incorrect' stances and feelings. As we expressed how we really felt and thought, we did realize alot of what we knew of each other was actually wrong, but I can tell you now that I trust her and know her a whole lot more than even a few months ago.

Is it really that simple? I had all of these questions- but it feels like they're not as important anymore.

My Portion 4:57 PM

 I've been constantly thinking about what it means for God to be my portion (psalm 73:26) , which means the "chosen share". 

The last month and a half has been showing me how little of my 'relationship w/ God' is actually a relationship with God. Alot of things keep causing tension in me. My dad came to really believe in Jesus a few weeks ago- but now he's depressed. Sonya's going through a difficult transition. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself- I don't even know what I want. And when I'm not worried about those things, I keep worrying about friends around me who just don't seem to care about walking with Jesus. 

I think at some point, I believed that life was supposed to look a certain way when I follow Jesus. I think it's some cookie-cutter shaped life that I need to somehow achieve. It's like I've traded just being with God for good principles. It's so much easier to cling to a principle when things aren't going your way and you feel desperate. I keep trying to attain some strange picture of "christian" perfection but I can't live up to that. Then I feel bad but I keep trying to tough it out by saying that I will try harder, "because it's worth it". So I reach up- but it's way easier to reach up to a good rule rather than reaching to God himself. Like when I'm impatient I'll think, "God's timing, Daniel", but I don't actually go to him. It's easier Isn't it?

I feel like if i were to read what I'm writing, I'd instantly be like, "God works for the good of those who love him". What does that even mean? Do I even think about what I'm saying? What difference does it make for me to try to live a good life? What difference does it make for me to 'live by good principles'?  How is that any different than a Buddhist, Muslim or Atheist who says the same thing? 

It all sounds very textbook- the "it's about relationship, not religion!" spiel. But I can't find a drug to make me well. I was up til 3 am one night and my phone was broken, the internet was filtered up, and I had nothing to do. It drove me nuts. I wanted anything but to sit down and pray, to crack open that Bible. I started eating stuff, I started walking around, moving things around- I felt like I was going crazy. I knew nothing was going to satisfy me- but I just couldn't get myself to be satisfied by God. I knew it would, but I didn't want it. I just wanted my fix. I wanted to get that christian buzz of doing something foolish and then go crying back to Jesus. I wanted to feel something, even if it was bad. I had to feel like I either did something good or bad enough to give me good enough reason to come to Jesus. 

Do you ever live your whole day, maybe it was full of meaning, and then when you go to bed, you still feel empty? I can meet up with 3 or 4 people, do a quiet time, pray my ass off and lead worship at church- and mean all of it, be refreshed by all of it- yet go home and lay in my bed wondering why I can't be satisfied. You know what I've found? At the core of it, my christianity is just another way for me to get a fix. It's another way for me to feel something I really long for. It sucks to say, but I think I don't want God himself. 

If there were no consequences to my actions, would I still abstain from sinning? If time I spent encouraging people didn't feel so rewarding, would I still do it? If reconciling with a friend didn't give me closure would I still be okay? 

Nothing is fulfilling. Nothing is satisfying. I'm helpless to change anything. Then I hear him say

"Apart from me

You can do nothing."

How many things do I do- even "christian" things- apart from God? If I'm being honest right now- it's most of it. Why do things feel daunting or overly complex and unreachable? Because at some point I decided to take on something-  apart from God. What good is principle? What good is Intervarsity or church or quiet time or community or accountability or care or questions or verses? They mean something- but I'm starting to think think that I've removed them from God, I've substituted Jesus with reading or serving or meeting or singing. I can honestly say with certainty that all of these things are great-only when it's goal is to help us come to Jesus himself. It's crazy that I can know and recite and spew God's word as "encouragement" and refuse to come to God to have life. Read John 5:39-40 . 

Even when my heart doesn't hold up, even when my body gives out- when it all fails me, what is the strength of my heart? What is sustaining me? It's like I ask God for some muscle and then run off and try to change the world with my own blood fueling me. But I can't, it always fails. I can actually say it with certainty now. God has to be the strength of my heart pumping. He has to be my portion. My reward- what I want the most. If not, I guess it just makes me an addict to things that will end up killing me, including the things I 'do for God'. 

I know someone's going to say, 'well, remember that just because your motives weren't always right, God still used you'. Yeah, I believe that. God would be weak if he didn't. It gives me confidence that he would do such a thing- making my mess into goodness. I'm simply saying that apart from God, I literally cannot do anything. This may be redundant and sunday school sounding, but I don't really care because it's true. Jesus is my worth- even if I couldn't do anything worthwhile with my life. God is what I really want in the end, but my flesh fails by telling me that I want what it wants. The emptiness of everything is real. To put my hope in what I can't see is really my only hope. If I'm putting my hope in anything else at all, I'm just straight-up lying to myself. Hope seen, is not hope at all (Romans 8:24). 

I still hope because I know it's not in vain. If God is the one who makes us grow, all we can (and should) do is remain in him (John 15:7). Just to be with him and to trust and know Him. I know there's stuff that happens next- like straining for what's ahead (Philippians 3:13). I suppose I'm doing that now.