journal

Don't really know what to write. Honestly, it feels like I'm kind of at a standstill. I've retyped out a journal entry from Sunday, which is the true followup to last time's blog. I only added some parenthetical things to clarify some parts ( it's even formatted the same in my journal)- I just want to reach back 3 days ago and remember what I felt and said
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Sunday 1:22 am, Nov 15th

God chose to love us before we were born- knowing all we would do against him (Romans 8:29-30). "Predestined" has a whole different gravity to it.

The more we understand our sinfulness-(the growing severity of our real self)- the more joy, because we know His love is that much greater. This is what he took upon himself on that cross- and the more we realize the intensity of our sin (the more that it's shown to us)- the more we understand what Jesus had to bear.

Waiting to get fed- after talking to Ly and Nate- and even Sonya- I'm coming to the reality that we won't always have the accountability we want (though it's no less important) and we wish we had that accountability or certain kind of commitment. But why not be that? God help me commit to these guys.

Letting go: "Give God space"
I am not God- nor am I meant to live as if I am, to dictate as if I am and to be frustrated as if I am. I think I'm understanding more of what Ly is saying when he says that sometimes you just have to let be, even if it's not what you want (to see happen).

I hold on- I get dejected when I feel like my words, my kindness or service comes back empty; when a friend doesn't respond in the way I know they should.

But I'm not God. I get discouraged because I feel like my words and actions are the important thing. No, but it's God who changes a person, not us. Not me. None of my cleverness, or foolishness will drive a person either way- it's God working through his people, regardless of their method because in the end, our best is even "like filthy rags", objectively. God has chosen to love before, and has also chosen to use us before- (all the while already) knowing our weakness, knowing our sinfulness.

Going downtown made me understand for myself that it's not this system of good work. I think in my mind, I never stopped putting certain things on pedestals. This being one of them.

Long story short- I realize that it's quite meaningless apart form God- It's really all about God working through his people- not about how effective our works are on their own.

It's like how if my art is criticized, I get demoralized, but when it's praised, I don't feel good anyways. I look for that which I know won't give me what I really thirst for in the end. 

Back at the beginning, know God. Being intimate with Him, is all the worth to your work. It's more where He calls us, rather than what actions we feel to be nobler per se.

There is freedom there. It's freeing when we realize that we aren't God, nor are we meant to be. It is humbling to realize that God has already done for us, has already saved us, loved us- "while we were yet sinners"
There is no way douchebaggery can last under that kind of grace, this love.

Oh God. Thank you. Help move words to motion in me. That this love you've shown me (and keep showing me more) is spilled out. Help me be fearlessly abandoned to you. I have hope. Because I know You.
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